Cat

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The Ancient [[Egypt

ians worshiped cats, because they thought they were funny. These vast cat heads were built underground and seen by no one.]]

Cats are ~~[[furry]] ornaments~~ vermin owned by the godforsaken; those who are destined to [[dying alone|die alone]]. They serve as [[childfree|child substitutes]] for neglected pussies, fags and dykes, many of whom like to photograph their cats and post them for their own self-esteem on whatever [[social media]] site they drain their lives through. Most internet users find it easy to relate to cats (as both are [[lazy]], [[antisocial]], [[ego]]centric, never-satisfied [[depression|cynics]] that [[snowflake|overreact]] to everything), which is why cats have become the official animal of the internet. Baby cats are called [[Kittens]]

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Hazards

Until recently, it was believed to be bad luck if a black cat crossed your path; however, recent research has consistently shown that it is only bad luck if a [[nigger|black man]] crosses your path, as cats are completely powerless.

Because their claws and fangs are just camouflage for their warmth, cats' main weapon of attack is their anus, which looks like an asterisk (*). Aiming it at their target will cause most people [[DO NOT WANT|distress]] (most, [[furries|not all]]). But when they stand-down, the cat will be free to further his [[sleep|diabolical deeds]], the greatest of which are eating unwatched leftovers and causing irreversible damage to furniture. Recently, their tactics have evolved to include getting people arrested by http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/08/07/man_blames_cat/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">downloading thousands of kiddie porn onto humans hard drives and eating their owners.

Keep out of reach of children

Montecore (center) took [[OM NOM NOM NOM|umbrage

at two [[Nazi|German]] buttbuddies' making flamboyant coats from his [[Church of Fudge|Schwester]]]]

[[Tatiana

: Her penchant for [[Carlos Sousa Jr|SOUSAge]] was to be her ruin]]

Killing Cats for Fun and Profit

Insert at your nearest river

As [[city glitter]] has proven to us, cats are not entirely useless. You can pretend to people you know on [[LiveJournal]] that your cat has been burned in fire and ask them to donate money to your [[PayPal]] to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true. This is a good idea because it raises [[money]], creates [[internet drama]], and as long as you http://www.livejournal.com/users/city_glitter/847289.html" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">claim later it's all a [[social experiment]], it's okay. Note: There are a variety of options for raising money on LiveJournal by saying your [[pussy]] is on fire.

But sometimes, simply pretending to kill cats is not enough. Kitty gore can be found on any [[Caturday]] thread on [[4chan]], and [[moralfag]]gotry and [[RAGE|rage]] typically follow. An especially effective tactic is to videotape the act and upload the video to the internet. Among the people who have utilized this method to great effect are [[Kenny Glenn]] and [[Luka Magnotta]].

Excerpts From a Cat's Diary

The following journal was recovered from a safehouse in the Republic of Catagonia (formerly [[WBC|Topeka, KS]], following a brief clash with occupying rebel forces on the fourth of May, 2038. The information contained herein is to be used strictly as (fictional) satire, written by an overweight, micropenile [[weeaboo]], deep in the hazy convulsions of a permanent [[jenkem]] diet.

Day 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761: Today my attempt to [[kill]] my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite [[chair]]...must try this on their pillow.

Day 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to [[strike]] fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. [[JUST AS PLANNED|Not working according to plan.]]

Day 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "[[furshampoo|shampoo]]." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "[[beer]]". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The [[retard|dog]] is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The [[bird]] on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, alas. But... HAH! it is only a matter of time...