Money
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Money
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Modern money has the advantage of not having any worth but what is socially agreed upon, because it is now made out of largely worthless metals, and fibers. [[Allegedly]] these worthless representations of wealth are backed by massive reserves of precious metals, specifically [[Jew Gold]]. In practice, however, nobody really cares as long as you can still afford a [[7-11|slushie]].
[[Zaiger|IT IS THE FUCKING THING THAT THE MORONS CLOSED THE OLD ED FOR]]. For more info: [[capitalism]]
If you're an [[azn|Asian]] or a [[poor|third world]] immigrant, you are considered rich by your people if you have [[at least 100]] dollars in your debit card.
There are [[over 9000|many many]] ways to get money. You can start by getting a [[job]] so you don't stay in your [[basement-dweller|mom's basement]] for the rest of your [[life]].
[[United States]] Dollars are tracked by the government-run site [[Where's George?]].
Ode to Money
With money you can:
*Buy [[slave|another human being]].
*Buy [[Cocaine|happine$$]].
*Find [[secks|true love]]
*Buy a [[furry|donkey for love making]].
*Buy a [[gun]].
*[[Buy a dog]].
*Be a [[cooldude|pimp]].
*$ave [[Encyclopedia Dramatica]], they're broke! WE NEED THE FUCKING MONEY!!!
*Buy thousand$ of low priced tran$$exual hookers in a [[AIDS|third world country]].
*Purchase gift$ for a [[camwhore]] from their [[wishlist]].
*Enjoy the [[hookers and blow|finer thing$]] in life.
*Get your girl a diamond, since all women are materiali$tic harpie$ and if you don't, you'll never get laid.
*Get really good at forplay. By this I mean taking a girl to a Jewlry Store to get her lubed up.
*Rule at Nerd Poker because you can by all the best cards in [[Magic The Gathering]], [[Pokemon]] or [[Yu-Gi-Oh]].
*Light your cigars with $100 bills.
*Buy a dildo, if you’re [[bisexual|bi$exual]] or [[gay]]
*Buy gabe butt$ech$.
*Get mugged.
*Have the ability to post on [[Something awful|$omething awful]]'s forums.
*Speak "the language of love."
*Be a [[Jews|Jew]].
*Obtain [[I will have your humility|happine$$]] and [[porn]]!
*Buy a [[Large Hadron Collider|huge a$$ machine]] to [[divide by zero]].
*Lo$e it
*Scam the living [[Shit]] out of [[Retards]] by investing in [[cooldude|Derek Stewart's]] money making [[facepalm|opportunity]]. See [[Youtube]] video below and call him for a [[pwnage|chat]].
And many many [[moar]]!?
Things equal to money
*[[Sex]]
*[[Love]]
*[[NephilimFree]]
*[[Drugs]]
*[[Scientology|Xenu's penis]]
*And sweet sweet [[Lemon party|lemon pie]].
Things only weirdos feel are equal to money...
*[[Hello Kitty]]
*[[Furry Art]]
*[[Zeta Toys]]
Things that are the complete opposite of money
*[[donate|Encyclopedia Dramatica]] - see [[Irony]]
*Yenom
*Pieces of random scrap paper saying, "I.O.U." You is spelled with a 'Y'.
Things to do when you owe somebody money
* Postpone payment
* Ask for more time when he demands his money
* Tell him you have a liquidity problem
* If he's a friend, start a fight for an entirely different reason. A person who doesn't want to talk to you is not likely to ask for money.
* Tell him he's too obsessed with money.
* Tell him he's shallow
* Just don't pay it
* Make somebody else pay it for you
* Pay half of the amount
* Change the subject
* Pay in a different currency
* Ask for more money
* Offer a partnership
* Offer stock option
* Pretend to forget about the amount and discuss it forever
* Offer to pay it by second-hand assets
* Ask for his IBAN account if the conversation occurs in an offline environment.
* Offer to pay in person if the conversation is online
* Ask him to sue you
* Pay money to a gang to get rid of him -and your debt, eventually
* Disappear
Riches!
Money makes you [[Rich and beautiful|rich]], and having more money than someone else makes them [[pwned]]. You can [[Asses|assess]] how rich and pwning you are on Adam Smith's Riches Calculator. [[divide by 0|The Calculator analyzes what you do when your toilet breaks:]]
* 9 - Your highly paid [[scientist]]s have invented new organs that don't require you to take a [[crap|dump]], so you don't care that your toilet is broken. This is known as the [[shit nobody cares about|don't give a shit]] level.
* 8 - You don't use a toilet anymore, your Palestinian slave siphons the [[crap|poo]] from your ass with his mouth while you sleep each night.
* 7 - The toilet attendant fixes the toilet as soon as it breaks without you noticing and then you [[buttsecks|buttrape]] him for not working hard enough probably.
* 6 - THE EQUILIBRIUM: you buy a new toilet.
* 4 - You try and save your wages to buy a new toilet but actually you spend it all on [[alcohol|booze]] to drown the sorrows of your miserable life.
* 4b - [[Daddy]] buys you a new toilet. Worst. Birthday. Ever.
* 2 - [[1guy1jar|You shit in the broken toilet, fall down and slice open your anus on the shards of whatever toilets are made of, causing you to stumble out of your bathroom with blood pouring out from behind.]]
* 1 - Courtney Love's merchandise [[profit]]s.
Getting Paid
Realistic representation of what happens when you get paid.
Funny money
A slang term that is used to describe any form of money that is not the [[United States]] dollar. Funny Money is invariably more technically advanced than real money, and often shows its superiority through [[gay|the use of multiple colors on a single bill]], as opposed to the boring dollars monochromatic tones.
It is [[rumor]]ed that [[Europe]]'s Funny Money, [[Lie|the Euro, has a coin that is actually worth as much as it buys.]]
The official currency of [[Vietnam]] is the [[Dong]], which is, of course, hilarious.
NB - Ironically perhaps, the term 'funny money' is a term sometimes applied colloquially in [[Europe]] to counterfeit notes. Therefore if you're in Paris, Prague or erm... Scunthorpe then bear in mind you really don't want to fill your wallet up with the stuff, irrespective of what's been said above. Not to be confused with [[furry]] money, which is money used in transactions to purchase [[animal]] [[sex]].
Monopoly money
President [[Obama]] has stated that we cannot treat [[US]] tax dollars like Monopoly money http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2009/12/21/obama_we_cant_treat_tax_dollars_like_monopoly_money.html]." class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">To test this theory we hired a troop of [[scientist]s and stuff.
Experiment 1 - dollars as Monopoly money
Admittedly dollars do not have the right numbers on the front but the use of an orange crayon can soon convert them. Like [[Lioncash]].
Experiment 2 - as Coke straws
Monopoly money is easier to roll but is a bit small unless you have a Jew nose. Dollars have the advantage of already having traces of cocaine on them and so [[police|CSI]] can't prove it was you.
Experiment 3 - as cigar lighters
Monopoly money burns a bit too fast but then it is cheaper than using dollars to transfer [[fire]]. Both dollars and Monopoly notes can theoretically be used to roll [[drug|joint]]s, but they burn [[shit]]tily, taste shitty and the ink gives you [[cancer]].
Experiment 4 - as toilet paper
Dollars don't allow your fingers to burst through, but Monopoly money is softer if you have piles.
Donate
A small organ lodged behind the prostate and ahead of the rectum, in the general region known as the taint. ED routinely encourages its users to stimulate this organ and ejaculate money that can, in turn, be given to ED so that it can continue bringing you lulz.
Of course, everybody knows that's a scam. Should it have been true though, the solution
instead of giving money would be to stop going to EncyclopediaDramatica, so you wouldn't
invade their precious little wimpy baww bandwidth.
Wikipedia's bait
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See Also
* [[Bernie Madoff]]
* [[Bitcoin]]
* [[Collective Shout]]
* [[Dead-Pool]]
* [[Dong]]
* [[Forbes]]
* [[I go chop your dollar]]
* [[Jew]]
* [[Operation LIONCASH]]
* [[Rape dollars]]
* [[So Cash]]
* [[Plastic Straws|Starbucks]]
* [[UPE]]
External Links
* http://archive.fo/dNCyP" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">How America killed money
* http://tryvindale.com/VsrT2sIW" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">How to make money DO NOT VISIT THIS WEBSITE!
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[[Category:Fandom Stuff]][[Category:Drama-generating techniques]][[Category:Jews]][[Category:Crime]][[Category:IRL Shit]]
Key events in chronological order.
Key events in chronological order.
Key events in chronological order.