Newgrounds/Flash
Content
The Flash Portal
The Voting System
The ranking score of each Flash movie and game in the hierarchy of shit is determined by how highly users rate it. There is a choice of two ratings a viewer can bestow upon Newgrounds movies: 0 and 5. There are also buttons for 1, 2, 3, and 4 but one would have to be a faggot to actually deem a flash somewhere between perfect and total shit.
HINT: There are many surefire ways to make the Jewgrounds public adore your effort as much as or EVEN MORE THAN an average Clock Crew or Barney Bunch submission, but none are more effective than these: an ideal way to inspire the masses to give your Flash effort a FIVE is to haphazardly throw in a bunch of stick figures killing and/or sodomizing each other over a Papa Roach song, as well to include any or all of the words "Sonic," "Mega Man," "Penis" or "X" in the title.
Alternatively, one could reupload the exact same animation 42 times and call it a "series". Ex.
The Review System
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Notes
# The "color" and "size" parameters refer to the quotation marks—not the text.
# The "textColor" and "textSize" parameters refer to the text.
# The "sourceColor" and "sourceSize" parameters refer to the text for the quoted persons or source.
# If you want to change the color and size variables, you must declare the parameter explicitly (i.e. you must include "color=" or "size=").
# If you want to change the size parameter, then you must include a unit of measurement (e.g. %, px, pt).
# If a parameter value contains an equals sign, the parameter name must be declared explicitly." This means that if you want to include a URL in your quote, and if that URL contains an equals sign, then you must explicitly declare the parameter. All that means is that you should add "1=", "2=", or "3=", as appropriate, ahead of your quote text, speaker, or source, like this:
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# Do not add and
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Template usage
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Notes
# The "color" and "size" parameters refer to the quotation marks—not the text.
# The "textColor" and "textSize" parameters refer to the text.
# The "sourceColor" and "sourceSize" parameters refer to the text for the quoted persons or source.
# If you want to change the color and size variables, you must declare the parameter explicitly (i.e. you must include "color=" or "size=").
# If you want to change the size parameter, then you must include a unit of measurement (e.g. %, px, pt).
# If a parameter value contains an equals sign, the parameter name must be declared explicitly." This means that if you want to include a URL in your quote, and if that URL contains an equals sign, then you must explicitly declare the parameter. All that means is that you should add "1=", "2=", or "3=", as appropriate, ahead of your quote text, speaker, or source, like this:
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# Do not add and
Flash reviews operate on a similar basis as the VOET FIEV system, except that scores can go up to 10 instead of 5. Once again, and this cannot be stressed enough, YOU SHOULD ONLY EVER GIVE A FLASH EITHER 0 OR 10. Doing anything else would be a waste of voting power and most likely get your review deleted.
You should also make certain you swear as much as you can and always proofread your review to ensure that it's spelled as poorly as humanly possible. Using all caps is also a guaranteed way to get noticed.
But every so often, a user will take it upon himself to crawl and claw his way beyond the humble expectations of stupidity that is a given when reviewing a piece of Flash on Jewgrounds. And if one was to see such a review as that, one would smile and think it a great leap forward for a website famous for great leaps backward.
And then one would glance at the flash that was under scrutiny, and one would weep with sorrow for the reduction of all expectations to exactly the same point as when the whole ordeal had begun: Before one's tear-streaked face, a six-paragraph opus to the letter "B".
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The Teddy Review Spam War
Recently, a group of [[retards]] and [[Faggot|fags]] emigrated from JewTube and began to spam the Newgrounds Flash review boards with the same tired copypasta review, over and over again:
Hi, I am Teddy. Once you read this you cannot get out. Finish reading this until it is done! As I said, I am Teddy. I am 7 years old. I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead. If you don't send this to at least 12 people I will come to your house at midnight and I'll hide under your bed. When you're asleep, I'll kill you. Don't believe me?
It goes on for over 9000 paragraphs of spam before ending. These reviews should have been deleted, but Tom Fulp, being the Jew faggot wanna-be-nigger he is, has not deleted any of these reviews(save for mine) and actually disabled his mods from doing shit about it until a few months after it started. Because of this, a bunch of fag users began freaking out about it, causing mass chaos on the portal and leading to Bigbadron killing a negro. As a result of seeing all this go down, ED is now asking you all to add to the super lulz by spamming the entire Teddy review (found at the flash links below) a couple of billion times to piss off the meat-spin lovers on Jewgrounds.
Look for the full "Teddy" review to copy and paste in your own malicious reviews of EVERY SINGLE FLASH in Jewgrounds history to piss off the virgins who have nothing else to do but read through Flash reviews on Jewgrounds all day.
"Blammed "
Although the majority of the content on the Flash Portal is well below the standard for mental retardation, not every piece of shit makes it into the Portal, as several submissions are relegated to the "Obituary" or "Graveyard" section of Jewgrounds on a daily basis. These are rare instances that indicate a true failing at life. If a fucking stationary letter B or a stolen gif of a flapping cock can be accepted - even hoisted on an e-pedestal - but an actual animation you "worked hard" to complete cannot, you may wish to reconsider your choice to continue breathing. It does not take much to impress the 13 year old boys who inhabit Jewgrounds, yet you still proved that you are capable of failing miserably at even the most remedial task.
1# Aruchieve of all time
How to get to "#1 All-Time" on the portal
The Coveted Spot.
The #1 slot in the portal was at one time a prestigious award. Now it's just a spot held by video game parody Flashes five-bombed by 13-year-old boys. To achieve this esteemed position through Flash Cartoon creation, the following steps must be followed to the letter:
First and most important of all, the animator must make plentiful use of dick jokes, in order to compensate for viewer virginity.
Equally important to step one, one must collect a series of tired images from '70s pornos, and place them artfully together to produce a hardcore porn slideshow that may or may not include child rape and likely spawns pop-ups. Also, one mustn't forget to co-author some well-known animators, to lend an undeserved sense of legitimacy to your shitheap.
One must also ensure that all female characters of the animation contribute copious amounts of fanservice and have no personality.
Also integral to catching prepubescent attention spans is the use of colorful expletives (that would include, but would not be limited to shit, cunt, dick, fuck, ass, arse (Britfags!), twat, wank, etc.). In this way, the plentiful 13-year-old boys will believe that the animator's flash, and by extension of that, the animator, is hardcore. These sheep will later become invaluable to one's efforts in conquering the Portal.
One must also make clever and hilarious observations about popular video games, upon which the Jewgrounds populous draws Life Force. (i.e. What's up with that Mario Guy, and why does he enjoy diving into tight, steamy holes filled with excrement?)
It would also behoove one to make an overt reference to the Clock Crew, Kitty Krew, Lock Legion, Uzi Union, Glock Group, Barney Bunch, or any number of these dedicated, alliterative groups.
Using emo-,Linkin Park-, or Failure-brands of music in one's animation can never be overestimated in terms of importance. In fact, to ensure universal appeal, why not use all three in the ultimate brooding teenager trifecta?
In order to generate nostalgic sentiment amongst the elder teenagers, who would understand such references, throwing in an entire Matrix bullet-time sequence, or anything related to the Matrix is likely to cause instant first-place status.
Submissions using sprites from video games that were popular at least 100 years ago, most notably Mario or Phoenix Wright, have a great deal of potential for finding success, regardless of quality.
To make all characters in one's animation burst out into Tenacious D anthems at cadenced intervals, and to quote South Park whenever possible is a directive that cannot be stressed enough for the serious exploiters.
One must also make sure to steal unfunny jokes from unfunny sites and/or moldy sitcoms.
Throwing in a fart joke for good measure can never hurt your chances. Every Jewgrounder intrinsically loves a fart joke. Ha. Ha.
If possible, one should avoid using any English, at all. Instead, it is prudent to use the language embraced by the vast majority of Newgrounders.
Finally, before one submits a masterwork, it should be made certain that everything looks very "cute," in order that closet-homosexual viewers permeating the Portal can better relate to the work.
????
Profit (srsly, it's an easy $250)