Nintendo Switch

The Nintendo Switch is Nintendo's latest scheme to be relevant in gaming, especially in a post-Iwata era. It is an abominable fusion between the [[Nintendo DS#3DS|3DS]] and the [[Wii#Wii U|Wii U]].

[[Last Thursday]], Nintendo shat out an unveiling video that didn't really show anything about the console per se, but rather a desperate attempt to grab the attention of hipster faggots, feminist dykes, neutered parents and Nintendrones. [[Truth|Anyone is guaranteed to look like an insufferable dumbass holding one in their hands.]]

Specs

*6.2-inch LCD touchscreen (1280 x 720)
*Maximum resolution of 1080p 60fps when plugged into a TV
*Nvidia [[Lie|"customised"]] Tegra processor
*32GB storage. So enjoy buying a microSD card for more storage.
*802.11ac Wi-Fi
*Ethernet internet through optional adapter
*Bluetooth 4.1 (on tablet)
*Bluetooth 3.0 (in Joy-Cons)
*NFC (in right Joy-Con for Amiibo support)
*Stereo speakers (on tablet)
*PCM 5.1 channel audio in TV mode
*HDMI output (on dock)
*USB Type-C port (on tablet)
*3x USB 2.0 ports (on dock): USB 3.0 support to be added at future date
*Headphone/mic port (on tablet)
*MicroSD card slot (on tablet; plus microSDHC/microSDXC support)
*Game cartridge slot (on tablet)
*4,310mAh battery (on tablet; up to six hours of play on one charge)
*525mAh batteries (in Joy-Cons; up to twenty hours play time)
*No mic or ability to chat online. So you on your phone to talk to other people.

Nintendo Seal of Quality

Now to put the cherry on this sundae is that this console suffered from a disastrous launch that would make the PS4 and Xbox One blush. Oh, but don't worry. Nintendo will patch everything later and will make everything good again. After all, it's okay if Nintendo does it. However, this doesn't change the fact that the Switch is underpowered, as usual.

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Price

The price for the Switch costs around $300 USD as of March 2017. If factored in the hidden costs of buying accessories and the like, you will most likely shell out at least twice the Switch's initial price to get the full experience out of this console.

Unfortunately, this shoddy "modernization" of Nintendo's image doesn't seem to budge their rabid fanbase one bit. They will spend their hardly earned income for this piece of underpowered crap without a single thought. This means that Nintendo will continue to make dubious decisions throughout the Switch's life cycle.

Games

Here's a small list of what games you can buy for the Nintendo Switch:

*1-2-Switch: The Switch's own Wii Sports that's not bundled with the console, unlike its predecessor.
*Animal Crossing: New Horizons: An incomplete game missing tons of content seen in its predecessors, but which outsold Switch games such as Breath of the Wild, Smash Ultimate and Super Mario Odyssey because of its March 2020 release coinciding with the COVID lockdowns. Among adults, [[Fact|only women, furries and/or LGBT like this game]].
*ARMS: Shitty Punch-Out!! clone with amputees.
*The Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth+: A [[Christian]] roguelike game.
*Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker: A port of a 2014 Wii U game no one liked.
*[[Dark Souls|Dark Souls: Remastered]]: A shitty remaster of a game from 2011. Get it on the PS3 instead.
*Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze: A 2014 Wii U game that was ported to the Switch to help fill out its barren release calendar in the first half of 2018.
*[[The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild|The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild]]: [[Lie|TEH BEST GAEM EVAR!!!]] [[Fail|Also includes a Day One DLC expansion pass and an]]

. Was also released on the Wii U.
*The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild 2: A sequel to the first overrated game, which also uses the same map of Hyrule as the original Breath of the Wild game.
*[[Lego|Lego Worlds]]: A far superior version of [[Minecraft]]. You can also buy it for the PS4, Xbox One and PC.
*Mario Kart 8 Deluxe: Another port for the Switch of a game from the failed Wii U. This game will never die, like Cockstar with Grand Theft Auto V.
*[[Megaman|Mega Man 11]]: A sequel to a franchise that died for the fifth time. Also on PS4, Xbox One and PC.
*[[Minecraft|Minecraft: Bedrock Edition]]: A game you can get on literally every platform ever.
*New Super Mario Bros. U Deluxe: Another fucking port.
*Octopath Traveler: A full priced, $60 console game with graphics on par with something you'd find on the Game Boy Advance.
*[[Pokémon#Let.27s_Go.2C_Pikachu.21_and_Let.27s_Go.2C_Eevee.21|Pokémon: Let's Go, Pikachu! and Let's Go, Eevee!]]: A Pokémon Yellow remake, but with [[Pokémon GO]] mechanics.
*[[Pokémon#Pok.C3.A9mon_Sword_and_Shield|Pokémon Sword and Shield]]: Pokémon's first mainline console game, and probably its most reviled new Generation game ever.
*[[Braixen#Braixen.27s_Game|Pokkén Tournament DX]]: A Pokémon-themed Tekken fighting game. It is another Switch game that was already on the Wii U.
*I Am Setsuna: A [[Chrono Trigger]] ripoff.
*[[Skyrim]]: Seriously, it's yet another game released back in [[Old|2011]]. Just buy the PC version on [[Steam]] instead.
*Sonic Mania: A game that you can also buy on the PS4, Xbox One and PC as well.
*[[Splatoon]] [[Sequel|2]]: More loli and shota trash.
*[[Bomberman (Game)|Super Bomberman R]]: [[Lol|"Whoa! He's big! What!?"]]
*Super Mario 3D World + Bowser's Fury: It's 2021, and the Switch is still filling out its first party library with Wii U ports.
*Super Mario Maker 2: Basically the first Super Mario Maker game again, but with worse controls, since you're using the Joy-Cons and not the Wii U's GamePad this time.
*[[Super Mario|Super Mario Odyssey]]: A [[Sonic the Hedgehog|Sonic Adventure]] ripoff featuring the Italian plumber instead.
*Super Mario Party: Although an improvement over Mario Party 9 and 10, Nintendo somehow still won't put in full online multiplayer, and only allows you to play some minigames with friends via its paid Nintendo Switch Online.
*[[Super_Smash_Bros#Super_Smash_Bros_Ultimate_for_Nintendo_Switch|Super Smash Bros. Ultimate]]: Super Smash Bros., but "everyone is here" (except Waluigi).
*WarioWare: Get It Together!: See [[Wario]] for more information.
If you haven't already noticed, the Switch is full of ports and multiplats of games nobody cares about.

Nintendo Switch Online

Because Nintendo wanted to follow the paths that Sony and Microsoft are doing by introducing a shitty online service you pay $20 where you can play an NES game and multiplayer like the PS4 does. Not happy that Nintendo is adapting to today's video game market, Nintendrones screeched all over the Internet about how they now have to use their parents' credit cards to play online (not that it matters as nearly every Switch game can be perfectly fine without Internet), and boycotted the Switch for free online play [[Not|BECAUSE IT WORKED SO WELL LAST TIME WITH THE WII U HAVING FREE ONLINE PLAY!!!1!!]].

After being delayed for about a year, Nintendo Switch Online was released. The service despite being less than its competition isn't even worth $20 for what it offers. The [[Fact|Wii U had better online than the Switch]], and despite being shit it was [[worthless|FREE!!!!]] The Asians at Nintendo are too lazy to create [[server|dedicated servers]] for their games, so now you're stuck with lag. You're forced to use a [[LOL WUT|fucking app]], to [[rage|scream]] at people. They still have that tedious Friend Code system, to fuck over your time. You also get access to a bunch of shitty [[NES]] and [[Super Nintendo|Super NES]] games that are old as fuck, and which only [[Baby Boomers|Boomers]] like. That is if they even heard of 90% of the garbage Nintendo shits out per month whenever they feel like, that's right you wait months for this shit.

The worst part is, it hasn't improved since launch.

Nintendo Switch Online + Expansion Pack

Last Tuesday, Nintendo announced an "[[Nonsense|Expansion Pack]]" for their shitty online service. This so-called Expansion Pack includes worthless DLC nobody cares about, until you unsubscribe from the shitty service and lose your DLC. To make the service look better, they added a bunch of [[N64]] and [[Sega Genesis]] games for Nintentrannies to eat up their [[No life|precious childhood]]. All for [[Jews|$49.99]].

When it came people noticed that the [[What a shame|emulation was complete dogshit]], somehow even shittier than [[Wii]] and [[Wii#Wii_U|Wii U]] emulation. Nintendo is run by Jews who see their [[shit|old games]] only as a means to milk their [[Slaves|loyal followers]] into poverty. This shows why hacking and emulation are the best options, as companies put out shittier alternatives for idiots thinking old video games are [[No|actually worth jackshit]] anymore.

Joy-Con drift

All Joy-Cons have a time bomb inside them, shipped with every pair that causes your controllers to say "fuck you, let me do what I want bitch." This means you won't be able to play the games unless you buy a new pair or ask Nintendo to fix them for high price the greedy Jews they are.

Nintendo has been sued over the the issue numerous of times, but still gives their excuse of [[Bullshit|"Joy-Con drift is not a problem."]]

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Videos

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Galleries