Satanist

Satanfags, For as long as there have been [[Christian]]s, there have been those who [[YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG|kinda went the completely opposite direction]], and worshiped [[Satan]], as opposed to [[God]] - someone always has to root for the losing team. These [[Fag|rebels]] have come to be known as Satanists. Just like Christians, they're overly defensive about their beliefs, and will bitch about you on their [[LiveJournal|LiveJournals]], should you ever cross them. Note: the vast majority of Satanists don't even worship the devil; they're basically just egotistical atheists that set out to worship themselves as "gods". Even the guy with the hairiest slab of fat below his chin doesn't have as classy a fedora that most Satanists possess.

The Origins of Satanism

The Mythology

In the beginning, [[God]] and [[Satan]] were [[BFF]]s - until Satan eventually grew too [[oldfag|old]] to stay in heaven and refused to get a job [[pwn|smiting]] the non-believers and other acts of [[rape|Holy Love]].

Unlike most of the 40-something [[basement dwellers]] who sponge off their parents, [[God]] eventually [[B&|kicked Satan's red, throbbing ass out of heaven]] after catching him sucking the [[cock]] of a Catholic priest. The priest [[I came|wasn't too disappointed with the results]].

Since then, like all rejects, Satan has been trying to get back at heaven like a [[16 year old girl|teenage]] [[Tartlet]] - whining and complaining about the injustice he [[butthurt|suffered]]. Also like anyone who has an article on [[ED]], he gathers his fans via the [[Internet]].

In an attempt to prove they are real [[atheists|freethinkers]] while still relying on the righteous justice known as [[religion]], people have dismissed Satan's story as being a damned [[lie]] and [[fanfiction|replaced it with their own]], stating that Satan was, in fact, a [[retard|great mind]] who was cast out of heaven for daring to question [[God]], thus making him [[unwarranted self-importance|a martyr among the sheep known as the Lord's angels.]]

Whichever version is true, Satan is a known [[faggot]]. [[South Park]] proved it.

The Philosophy

will read ever.]]

Satanism is the following of the original [[emo]], [[Satan]]. It can be broken down into two major branches of faggotry and one genuinely batshit insane headfuck made of murder, sex, and win.

LaVeyan Satanism is less of a belief in a religion than it is an excuse to be a total [[douche|self-righteous]] [[asshole]] to everyone [[IRL]]. They use Satan more as a symbol, and as a way of setting ideals. LaVeyan Satanists can be considered [[atheists]] who see life as a measure of [[Masturbation|how happy you can make yourself]]. LaVeyan Satanists are inclined to [[Christopher Hitchens|indulge]] rather than set [[Final Fantasy|limits]]. Because of this [[Retardation|mentality]], most of them are [[fat]], [[VD]]-infested [[drunk]]s who don't ever know [[How do I shot web?|wtf they're doing]]. It was started by [[Anon|Anton]] LaVey (Howard Stanton Levey), a http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FEV2F55g6A" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">former carney, con man, and professional theremin player who shaved his head on Hitler's birthday one year and declared himself the L. Ron Hubbard of the left-hand path.

Theistic Satanism is the actual religious belief in Satan as a [[epic fail guy|deity]]. This is the type of shit you already knew about, where the [[goths|followers]] often get together to [[clusterfuck|praise Satan]], [[furry|dress in costumes]], and drink Satan's cockjuice or something. They believe that if they kiss enough ass, they'll actually have a happy and torment-free eternal life in [[b|Hell]], but the truth is, even if Hell existed, Satan would still [[pwnt|rape the fuck out of them forever]], since it's just how he rolls.

This Satanic form had its antecedents in phenomena like the Hellfire Clubs, secret conclaves of bored noblemen who got together to reverse and defame Catholic rituals for the [[lulz]], all while engaging in orgies with hordes of prostitutes and eating urine-soaked Communion wafers out of their raw, thoroughly tenderized vaginas. In [[Iraq]] you find the Yezidis, a sect who believe that Satan is the god of this world and therefore holds a greater priority of appeasement than God himself; they are accordingly http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2007/aug/18/iraq.topstories3" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">targeted for [[Genocide|purification]].

Upon the introduction of the [[interbutts]] to the world, theistic Satanists were given a means of chatting with others about things like where to find big plastic horns, [[yiffing]], and how [[wat|rectal piercings]] bring you closer to the Devil.

Some theistic Satanists claim they actually pay homage to the original gods such as those worshiped by ancient Egyptians, and have nothing to do with the [[Christfag]] concept of Satan. When you ask them why they call themselves "Satanists," they either [[Fail|stare blankly]] or think of some "Satan means adversary in Hebrew, and we're adversaries to the false religions of [[Christfag|Christfaggotry]], [[Jews|Judaism]], and [[Islam]]" bullshit. Some of them actually claim to be "original Pagans," and against the [[Pagan|neo-Pagan]] faggotry. Opposing neo-Pagans and Jews gives them a small amount of [[win]], although trolling [[lolcow]] neo-Pagans offers about as much challenge as your average [[babyfuck]]. The Temple of Set, founded by a guy who transcribes the voices in his head and calls it communion with the Egyptian deity of evil, is a prime example of this "elder god" subgroup. It is the best-known and most-hated of the schisms that have hived off from the Church of Satan. While they have their shit together enough to produce regular 'newsletters' and annual [[circle jerk|Conclaves]], they are no less cult-y or fat than Satanists. As with any cult, be prepared to fuck the flabby old donkeys in charge if you expect to be noticed in any capacity.

Traditional Satanism is a very much underground stream of Satanism and is quite possibly the most awesome, win-filled thing in the universe. It was popularized (for want of a better word) by the Order Of Nine Angles, a magical order which became more visible in the 1980s and whose initiations involve running 80 miles in two days, ritual sex magick, and all manner of mayhem. These guys aren't the makeup-sporting fags with their emo haircuts and veins full of fail; they totally loathe LaVeyan Satanism and show it to be the tattered anus of a sham that it is.

Ritual murder? You got it! [[Win]].

LaVeyan Precepts

LaVeyan Satanism is replete with lists of maxims and catchy bits of dogma, much like [[Objectivism|another cult]] that claims to glorify individuality and self-determination but only produces inhuman homogeneity and conformist drones.

The Nine Satanic Statements

#Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence! - Translation: [[Pyramid Head|Rape everything]].
#Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams! - It's why they charge $100 to join their church. It's so you know you vitally exist.
#Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit! - Because slavishly adhering to the dictates set down by a fucking dead guy is the exact opposite of what Christianity espouses.
#Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates! - So let's abolish [[welfare]], [[Hypocrisy|except when Anton LaVey needs it]] because the membership fees dried up.
#Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek! - And when they read this page, [[Habeeb it|you'd better believe]] they will [[Taking down ED|take down ED]].
#Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for [[Psion Guild|psychic]] [[vampire]]s! - Holding rituals in which a guy wearing a Nazi outfit drinks a cup of blood off of an altar that is really a naked [[loli]] and then tries to summon [[Zalgo]] is a generous definition of "responsible."
#Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development," has become the most vicious animal of all! - Sound ideas. As a personal philosophy, [[Hitler|Social Darwinism]] is time-tested and vindicated by history.
#Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional [[I came|gratification]]! - Finally, a religion where you can drown in [[guro]], [[lolicon]], and [[shitting dick nipples]] all day and night without feeling bad about it. Actually, had LaVey ever been to /[[b]]/ (or visited [[Japan]]) he might have rethought this one.
#Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years! - Hey, at least the Catholic Church is in business.http://sonic.net/yronwode/arcane-archive.org/religion/satanism/church-of-satan-1.php]" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">

The Eleven Satanic [[Rules of the internet|Rules of the Earth]

#Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked. - [[Irony|Unless you're Anton LaVey.]] Then you can fill [[TL;DR|whole books]] with them.
#Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them. - Then someone please explain why there are so many fucking Satanists with [[LiveJournal]]s.
#When in another's lair, show him respect or else [[Sheneequa|do not go there]]. - This doesn't quite sound so hardcore if you put it the same way [[your mom]] did: "If you can't say anything nice..."
#If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy. - A Satanist will totally [[defriend]], block, and [[ban]] you, hide your comments, and flag you as [[spam]]. Without mercy.
#Do not make sexual advances unless you are given [[yiff|the mating signal]]. - A [[moot]] point for the majority of Satanists. Since giving the mating signal is itself a sexual advance, this means the only satanists having sex are ignoring rule 5. Unless this rule applies only to men, in which case the satanists are merely pussybeggars.
#Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved. - Also known perhaps as... Thou shalt not steal? Again, Anton dazzles with his fresh social insights. And note the [[Goatse|wide fuckin' loophole]] tacked onto the end there.
#Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained. - [[What]] the fuck is this, [[Wicca]]? [[Juggalo|Voodoo]]? Wasn't this supposed to be Objectivism?
#Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself. - [[VIP|Unless it's this page.]] Or any criticism of Anton LaVey. That [[Jihad|cannot be tolerated]].
#Do not [[CP|harm little children]]. - Another visionary position. Hard to believe one man came up with all of these.
#Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food. - But [[Animal abuse|keeping a lion captive in some shithole in San Francisco rather than a proper habitat]] is totally fine if it keeps your eccentric, creepy image intact.
#When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him. - LaVey had to backpedal on this one, explaining that "destroy him" was not a literal exhortation to murder those who [[Offended|offend]] you. It's a mystery how the confusion initially came about.

The Nine Satanic Sins

Yes, LaVeyan Satanism even has sins of its own, and like [[Christianity|other religions]] with sins, its founders and most ardent adherents regularly violate these strictures, sometimes just by existing.

#Stupidity - If stupidity and credulosity are sins, then every member of the Church of Satan who believes LaVey authored any of this on his own should be [[B&|excommunicated]] immediately.
#Pretentiousness - It's hard even to address this one; if the glaring contradiction of a religion for "the alien elite" making a sin out of pretension isn't [[obvious]] to you, then you've already committed Satanic Sin Number One.
#Solipsism - Such as when Blanche Barton and the gang begged their nonexistent [[Fandom|fanbase]] for money to [[Fail|recover the Black House]], thinking that anyone but them would give a shit about it.
#Self-deceit - Just keep telling yourself, "Anton LaVey was rich, brilliant, original, and tough!" until it's an article of self-evident [[Wikiality|truth]].
#Herd Conformity - Yeah, you wouldn't want a church full of assholes who all [[Hot Topic|dress the same]] and spout the same retarded dogma and try to cultivate identical tough-guy [[façade]]s.
#Lack of Perspective - Avoiding this sin is what's allowed Satanism to have a massive impact on society, and prevented it from devolving into endless, pointless bouts of infighting and [[masturbation]].
#Forgetfulness of Past Orthodoxies - Satanism's existence depends on the ahistoricity and ignorance of its [[Fanboy|allegiants]]; only fools who'd never heard of [[Hitler]] and Göring, let alone Rand and Redbeard and Crowley, could possibly find it intellectually fresh or challenging.
#Counterproductive Pride - Satanists' ability to compromise is what's kept their church from breaking down into a grotesque mess of sects and schisms, [[OH SHI-|OH WAIT]]
#Lack of Aesthetics - Because only a man who fucked [[:File:CaroleLansing.gif|this]] and [[:File:BartonLaVey.jpg|this]] and lived [[:File:BlackHouseSanFrancisco.jpg|here]] should be trusted to arbitrate aesthetics.

Pentagonal Revisionism

Pentagonal revisionism is a meaningless buzzword applied to a five-point plan concocted by Anton LaVey in 1988, after snorting several rails of cocaine off of Aleister Crowley's old writing desk. It is intended, like the rest of Satanism, to sound elite but, like the rest of Satanism, comes out sounding [[batshit]] insane.

#Stratification - In which LaVey advocates the removal of all safety labels in the hopes that those dumb enough to siphon gas station pumps by mouth or microwave a stapler get what they deserve and, presumably, [[Darwin Awards|clean up the gene pool]]. Also includes handing out plastic bags and loaded handguns to all small children and letting nature take care of the weak.
#Strict taxation of all churches - This point makes Satanism the undying enemy of [[Scientology|Xenu]] and [[Raelian|Rael]].
#No tolerance for religious beliefs secularized and incorporated into law and order issues - In which LaVey complains about "In God We Trust" being written on money and advocates for [[Awesome|Charles Manson's immediate release]].
#Development and production of [[Dildo|artificial]] human companions - In which LaVey reveals his love of [[animu]] by advocating the use of [[IRL]] money to fund the creation of sex slaves with [[Rozen Maiden|dolljoints]] and [[O Noes Her Nanomachines!11!!|nanomachines]]. Also indulges God complex usually reserved for [[Gendo Ikari]] and [[Death Note|Light Yagami]].
#The opportunity for anyone to live within a total environment of their choice, with mandatory adherence to the aesthetic and behavioral standards of same - Apparently Satanism's idea of individuality is the establishment of several million self-contained [[Old meme|VR]] dictatorships. Imagine [[Nazi]]s on the [[Star Trek|holodeck]], and you get the idea. If you have ever visited a Satanic forum, you already know how this works.

Lex Talionis

Better known as An eye for an eye, Lex Talionis is the principle of recompense equal to injury. Satanists use the [[Latin]] term because they think it somehow distinguishes it from its almost 4,000 year old https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Code_of_Hammurabi|" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Mesopotamian precursor. It holds the distinction of being the oldest single idea stolen and transparently repackaged by Anton LaVey. It is also frequently invoked by LaVeyan [[internet tough guys]] in their oaths of vengeance after [[YHBT|being successfully trolled]].

The Adherents

The most common place to find yourself a Satanist, like everything else, is on the [[internets]]. There, they spend most of their lives talking to their [[goth]] buddies about how much they hate the rest of the world, and how they're constantly [[Rape|ridiculed]] for having uncommon beliefs and ideals. However, most of the time, it has absolutely nothing to do with their religion, and more to do with the fact that they look and behave like complete [[fucktards]]. They are generally just jaded gawffick kids that want to rebel against their parents. Another popular spot to see them is in cafes, where they will undoubtedly be writing shitty [[poetry|poems]] and drinking enough coffee to rot their [[cocks]] from the inside-out.

Pissed Off Ex-Christians

Undoubtedly brought up as a [[fundamentalist]] with strict rules about [[sex]] and now [[masturbation|making up for lost time]]. All they need now is [[Chris Chan|someone willing to fuck them]].

These are the most likely candidates for theistic Satanism because, although claiming they have lost their faith, they are still thinking they can get back at [[God]] using the [[internet tough guy|religious hardcore routine]].

Examples: Temple of Set, The Storm, Church of Azazel, Luciferian Liberation Front

[[Atheists]]

All atheists worship Satan; all LaVeyan Satanists are atheists. Some do it simply to anger [[Christians]] even further by following [[God]]'s archenemy. Most worship [[Richard Dawkins]] and Ayn Rand.

Examples: Church of Satan, First Satanic Church, First Church of Satan, Satanic Reds

Nazis and other Fascists

Satanism's entire raison d'être is shock value; indeed, it has no other value. As such, it is little surprise that fringe lunatics would gravitate toward it, and being a fundamentally [[conservative]] [[Copyright|ripoff]] of Randian "thought" and [[libertarianism]], it is still less a surprise that a preponderance of these would be far-right xenophobes and assorted authoritarians. Of course, Nazis will hide behind claims that they're only dressing in the uniforms and Heil-ing for the lulz, and that Satanism isn't [[racist]], but it's clear from the racial makeup of their organizations that they're about as inclusive as the [[Tea Party]] dipshits and in fact probably have a degree of overlap. Someone draw up a [[Venn diagram]].

Examples: Church of Satan, Temple of Set, Joy of Satan, The Black Sun 666

UFO Cultists

For UFO nuts too poor to join [[Scientology]], too caffeine-addled for [[Mormonism]], and too composed and lucid for [[Subgenius|the Church of the SubGenius]], there's always the option of alien-themed Satanism. These guys spew a similar form of cryptoracist babble about [[Reptoid|Reptilians]] and Nordics (a well-established pair of euphemisms for "Jew" and "Aryan," respectively) and Greys and shit as the [[David Icke]] and [[Sherry Shriner]] people, but throw in a curveball about how Satan is here to help and vanquish the alien overlord, Jehovah. It's like Star Wars fucked Manichaean Gnosticism and [[Sarah Palin|had a retarded baby]].

Examples: Joy of Satan, Luciferian Liberation Front

Satanic Ritual Abuse

Throughout the 80s there was a moral panic as stupid people across the nation believed a fabricated book by a schizophrenic called Michelle Remembers (fundies are easily led by books, see the Bible). Several talk show hosts (Geraldo, Oprah) and sensationalist TV programs such as Unsolved Mysteries convinced the nation that kids were being abused and molested by an underground Satanic [[cult]] [[conspiracy]] that was operating daycare centers and recruiting members through Ouija boards and [[Dungeons and Dragons]] games. In 1983 a daycare center in Manhattan Beach, California was put on trial after a schizo alcoholic mother accused the center's staff of raping her son. After 15 million dollars and 5 years the accused were not even found guilty of a health code infraction. What a waste of Americunt dollars!

In 1990 the book Michelle Remembers was discredited after closer scrutiny as many of the facts did not add up. The FBI concluded that there is no Satanic cult conspiracy. In reality the real abusers are asshole soccer coaches, Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, Jesus Camp staff, your uncle, and [[Michael Jackson|dysfunctional pop stars]] who liked to dress up as Captain Crunch.

Appearance

Teenage Satanists usually buy all of their clothing at their local [[Hot Topic]]. Many have piercings to match, to [[Internet tough guy|make themselves seem tuff]]. They may or may not wear [[cum|makeup]], boys and girls alike, but if they do, they'll fucking [[cake]] it on, making it seem like they're suffering from [[AIDS]] or [[cancer]]. Unfortunately, for the rest of us, this is not the case.

Older Satanists, particularly those who've been at it since the 60s but haven't outgrown the need to [[Attention whore|whore for attention]], likewise enjoy provocative outfits but tend more toward prop costumes from Rosemary's Baby, [[Eyebleach|complete nudity]], homemade [[Renaissance faire]]-style [[Cosplay|warlock regalia]], or Nazi uniforms.

The Inverted Cross

.]]

Like everything about Satanism, the inverted cross is intended as a giant [[Fuck you]] to Christianity and can be seen swinging from the neck of every socially arrested, monochromatic narcissist to claim affiliation with any of the many, many Satanic cults.

Unfortunately the upside-down crucifix is better known as http://www.seiyaku.com/customs/crosses/peter.html" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">St. Peter's cross. When St. Peter was killed he believed he was not worthy enough to die in the same manner as Jesus, so requested that his cross be turned upside down, making the inverted cross a symbol of humility. St. Peter was also Jesus' favorite disciple, founder of the [[Catholic]] church (and therefore the first pope), and guards the pearly gates at Heaven's entrance. His last words were reputed to be "[[Truth|Ha! I'm more fucking metal than you fags!]]"

[[TL;DR|In short]], anybody who wears the inverted cross is sucking God's dick harder than any [[Christian]] could.

Penis

[[Truth|The "inverted" cross - long arm upwards - represents (of course) the phallus.]] Symbol of life, regeneration, masculine power and so on. The inverted phallus represents the opposite of these things, which is why even before christianity it was used to mark graves.

[[Truth|The female symbol is the pointed oval, the "gate of life".]] Christians draw this sideways, of course, because it's basically an anti-=life death-worshipping cult.

Quotes

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Trolling Satanists

#If your targets are non-LaVeyan Satanists, tell them the Church of Satan is the only valid Satanic institution. Use high-handed rhetoric peppered with sympathetic references to eugenics. Talk down to them as hard as you can.
#If you're trolling LaVeyans, claim their Church is a personality cult. Call their high-ranking members (Peggy Nadramia, Blanche Barton, Peter Gilmore) sycophants of LaVey. Insist they only hold their positions through nepotism.
#Declare all forms of Satanism misguided and corrupt, but one. Pimp the one you choose mercilessly.
#Try to broker "peace" between the Church of Satan and Temple of Set. Claim you're [[IDIFTL|doing it for the good of Satanism]] as a whole.
#Remind Temple of Set members that Michael Aquino is a [[pedophile]]. Accuse him further of being one of the architects of [[MK ULTRA]].http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/sociopolitica/esp_sociopol_mindcon02.htm]" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">#Tell Church of Satan members that LaVey betrayed Satan and the Church's membership with his [[University of Phoenix|cash-for-titles scheme] and subsequent denial of the Devil as a discrete force in 1975; insist that Aquino and the rest of the priesthood who [[Flounce|resigned from the Church]] in protest are [[hero]]es faithful to Satan.
#Tell them Anton LaVey cribbed his philosophy from [[Ayn Rand]] and Ragnar Redbeard, his magic from [[Drugs|Aleister Crowley]], and his look from [[Communism|Vladimir Lenin]]. They will get [[butthurt]] even though this is [[Fact|true]].
#Condemn animal sacrifice roundly and widely. This is lulzy not because they actually practice animal sacrifice (even though they [[bestiality|do]]), but because they love hearing about it so much.
#Tell them you have much in common with Satanic philosophy, but you don't see why they don't use a less inflammatory term like humanist, or atheist, or Objectivist. Remind them that "Satanism" is not very appealing to the masses, giving their movement less popular purchase.
#Ask them why there is so much [[Nazi]] imagery in Satanism. Tell them you might have considered joining if not for that.
#Condemn LaVey for the treatment of his pet lion, Togare, whom he scarred for life with neglect, starvation, and regular [[Don't Taze Me Bro|cattle-proddings]].
#Ask them how the [[Fleshlight|artificial human companion]] and [[IRL|total-immersion environment]] technology is coming.
#Ask them if they ever [[No|got the Black House back]].
#Make fun of their [[Web 1.0]]-era site that hasn't been updated in years. Lol, frames.
#Correct their [[Latin]].
#Inform them that the sigil of Baphomet is in the public domain.
#Remind them that "[[lolwut|Shemhamphorash]]" is not a word.
#Demand to know why they seem to love Lenin so much. Imply that they are communists. Or worse, [[Russia]]ns.
#Ask them to explain why they use [[Esperanto|Enochian]] in their rituals, when according to [[Expert|John Dee]] it is the angelic language.
#Ask them to explain charges by Diane LaVey (ex-wife) and Zeena Schreck (estranged daughter) of regular beatings and chokings doled out by Anton.
#Bring up the fact that Anton LaVey was bankrupt, toothless, and on [[Welfare|state assistance]] at the time of his death.
#Tell them that because their latest book The Satanic Scriptures was not authored by LaVey, it's only second-rate poseur nonsense.
#Point out that Peter Gilmore is only high priest of the Church of Satan because he bought a controlling share in it from Blanche Barton. Insist that Xerxes LaVey is the true heir and that Gilmore and Barton have betrayed Anton's vision. When they respond that Xerxes is being groomed as the heir, tell them that's just what Gilmore wants them to think.
#Ask obvious questions, and when you're inevitably told "Read the book!" by some [[pretty cool guy]] who thinks he's [[elite]] because he paid $100 to a cult, respond "What book?"
#Say that Satan would never want someone as full of [[fail]] as them, and that if they truly love Satan they should become a [[Mormon]].
#Tell them they're not even real Satanists and only follow dogma rather than walking their own [[Creepypasta|sinister]] path.
#Ask them why the inverted cross is such a common symbol in the Church of Satan, because it is a Catholic symbol. St. Peter asked to be crucified upside down because he did not want to executed in the same manner as Jesus Christ.
#Read some Quran where they gather and do their thang.

Christfag a-Trollin'

In 2002, a Christian minister calling himself Jess LaVey started going around claiming to be Anton's estranged son and accusing him of all manner of http://jmm.aaa.net.au/articles/1260.htm" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">lulzy acts such as raping him and beating him with a crowbar. Sounds about right based on our knowledge of [[Nice try|Dr.]] LaVey, doesn't it? Except birth records prove that LaVey only had three children (at least one of whom did hate him, but Zeena Schreck is no Christian), and it's pretty clear from other writing - such as http://archive.fo/3PqJo" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">this "affidavit" full of [[CAPS LOCK|cruise control]] and strong indications of severe schizophrenia, in which Jess accuses [[CIA|George H.W. Bush]] of colluding with Anton to commit ritual murder - that "Jess LaVey" is a fucking insane Christian sham artist looking to capitalize on Satanism's [[No one likes you|image problem]] and [[USI|make a name for himself]] as a [[NATO|crusader]] against it. And wherever have we heard before of a batshit, attention-hungry asshole making outrageous claims about his early life and then trying to inaugurate his own dopey religious movement? Wait, [[Scientology|don't]] [[Mormonism|answer]] [[Islam|that]].

Famous Satanists

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* [[Jews]]
* [[Faggot]]
* [[Serial killer|Gilles de Rais]]
*[[Adolf Hitler]] Misunderstood angel
*[[Ausfag|Aussies]]
*[[Federal Reserve|Alan Greenspan]]
*[[Antichrist|Aleister Crowley]]
*[[O RLY?|Anton LaVey]]
*[[Ayn Rand]]
*[[Bernie Madoff]]
*[[Bill Clinton]]
*The Blake Family
*Bohemian Grove and all the architects of the [[New World Order]]
*[[Broly]]
*The [[Catholic]] Church
*The [[CIA]]
*[[Charles Manson]]
*[[Christine O'Donnell]]
*[[Cradle of Filth|Dani Filth]]
*The Eagles
*[[Freemason]]ry
*[[Friedrich Nietzsche]]
*[[Dungeons and Dragons|Gary Gygax]]
*[[Bad Vlad|Dracula]]
*[[Capitalism|Gordon Gekko]]
*[[United States|The Great Satan]]
*[[Harry Potter|JK Rowling]]
*Jack Abramoff
*[[NASA|Jack Parsons]]
*Jayne Mansfield
*[[John Katehis]]
*[[John Kerry]]
*[[Jesus|Judas Iscariot]]
*Kenneth Anger
*[[Killhamster]]
*[[Lady Gaga]]
*[[Linkin Park]]
*Liz Claiborne
*[[Bailout Plan|Lloyd Blankfein]]
*Marilyn Manson
*Marilyn Monroe
*[[SRA#The_McMartin_Daycare|McMartin Daycare Center]]
*Michael Aquino
*[[Muslim]]s
*[[Kurt Cobain]]
*Ozzy Osbourne
*Proctor and Gamble
*[[Israel|Rahm Emanuel]]
*[[McDonalds|Ray Crock]]
*[[Magic|Richard Garfield]]
*[[Serial Killers|Richard Ramirez]]
*[[Sandnigger|Sheikh Sultan]]
*[[Hookers and Blow|Sammy Davis, Jr.]]
*[[Pokémon|Satoshi Tajiri]]
*[[My Immortal|Tara Gilesbie]]
*[[Tenacious D]]
*[[You]]
*[[Nine Inch Nails|Trent Reznor]]
*[[Fascism|Varg Vikernes]]
*[[Wicca]]ns
*all [[Snakes on a Plane|snakes]]

Satantic Youtube Videos

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Stupidus Satani
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See-tantic Pentagon can no longer be unseen. Hardcore eh?

Images

See Also

*[[Black metal]]
*[[Chick tracts]] - Satanism makes frequent, hilarious appearances.
*[[Dungeons and Dragons]]
*[[HAIL SATAN EVERYDAY]]
*[[Halloween‎]]
*[[Idiots]]
*[[Magic|Magic: The Gathering]]
*[[Mormons]]
*[[Ozzy Osbourne]]
*[[The Greatest Story Ever Told]]
*[[Paul Douglas Valentine]]
*[[Retards]]
*[[Satan]]
*[[Satanic Ritual Abuse]]
*[[Temple of the Vampire]]

External Links

*http://www.churchofsatan.com/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Church of Satan - The "official" Church, run by Anton's girlfriend. Just as [[bullshit]] as the rest, though, since LaVey's original went bankrupt decades ago.
*http://www.satanicchurch.com/content/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">First Satanic Church - Schism founded by LaVey's first daughter, Karla. Archenemies with the Church of Satan.
*http://www.churchofsatan.org/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">First Church of Satan - Schism founded by some guy. This is [[Protestant|starting to look familiar]].
*http://www.templesofsatan.com/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Temples of Satan dead - What, no First Satanic Church of Satan? Oh well, these guys are deranged theists anyway.
*http://www.xeper.org/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Temple of Set - Theistic Egyptian-themed sect founded by axe-grinding pedophile Michael Aquino after he [[ragequit]] the Church of Satan. Interestingly, Aquino reputedly had a hand in the CIA's [[LSD|MK ULTRA]] [[Hypnotoad|mind control]] experiments.http://aangirfan.blogspot.com/2005/03/michael-aquino-alleged-child-sex-abuse.html]" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">He also wrote a [[No life|1,000 page] http://www.xeper.org/maquino/nm/COS.pdf" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">book about the Church of Satan.
*http://www.voiceofthestorm.com/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The Storm - Vanguard of the International Sethian Movement dead - Loopy offshoot of the Temple of Set founded by LaVey daughter and accomplished [[Anti-semitism|anti-Semite]] Zeena Schreck and her [[werewolf]] husband Nikolas.
*http://www.satanicreds.org/satanicreds/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Satanic Reds - Satanic, um, communists... More of Lucifer as a sort of celestial [[Che Guevara]] than is depicted among other Satanists, and less [[Ron Paul|Paultardation]]. Or maybe they just saw LaVey and mistook him for Lenin, and were further confused by all the [[Socialism|red]] and [[Anarchy|black]].
*http://www.joyofsatan.org/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Joy of Satan - Proud Satanic fascists. Allied with the [[Nazi|National Socialist Movement]]. Also a [[UFO]] cult. Satanism's logical conclusion and some of the lulziest shit since [[Nazi mysticism|esoteric Nazism]].
*http://www.666blacksun.com/Main.html" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The Black Sun 666 - Basically the same psycho paranoid bullshit as Joy of Satan, only with the UFO:Nazi ratio skewed much more in favor of [[Stormfront]] than [[Truthism]].
*http://www.luciferianliberationfront.org/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Luciferian Liberation Front - Overt Satanic flying saucer cult; they claim Jesus was a [[reptoid]] or some such shit. Somehow they're also Randroids.
*http://www.cultofcthulhu.net/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Cult of Cthulhu - Some Clown. With a heavy dose of [[Cthulhu|Lovecraft]], and slime. [[Lotion Play|Lots of slime.]]
*http://www.churchofsatanicliberation.net/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Worldwide Church of Satanic Liberation - Who the hell knows anymore? How these people can parse words - that LaVey stole himself anyway - so finely as to engender this many schisms and offshoots is an [[Divide by zero|unfathomable secret of the universe]].
*http://www.nineangles.info/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Order of Nine Angles - Some homicidal dudes stabbing shit and performing dark sorceries for the lulz. Best not to investigate further.
*http://luciferiansword.com/Home.html" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Order of the Luciferian Sword - Who knows, who cares.
*http://theisticsatanism.com/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">TheisticSatanism.com - An "academic" page run by a woman who founded the http://theisticsatanism.com/CoAz/index.html" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Church of Azazel and some other [[shit nobody cares about]].
*http://alleeshadowtradition.com/101_rules_of_satanism.html" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">101 Rules of True Satanism