Scientology Speedrunning
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Just when you thought you've seen or heard everything... [[Xenu|Lord Xenu]] is now looking to further his battle against his [[Scientology|$cientology]] Correctional Officers who keep him locked up with no stimulation or contact, lost to the [[universe]] in the [[Alone|SHU]] segregation of his intergalactic prison. Even Xenu has found [[Christ]] in prison and taking cues from the one [[Truth|One True Religion]]'s [[Evil|evil-doer]], [[Lucifer]], [[Xenu|Lord Xenu]] hatched what can be only described as a genius plan. If $cientology were a real religion we'd make a comparison to the [[Christianity|Archangel Michael]], the bottomless pit and [[Satan]] - but it isn't.
Recently Lord Xenu was able to release himself from his [[Lie|electronic, wire-cage mountain trap]].
Escaping from his prison for a few seconds, Lord Xenu was able to put the idea of [[Speedrun|speedrunning]] through the Church of Scientology Information Center in [[California|Hollywood, Los Angeles, California]] in the mind of [[TikTok|TikToker isDurpyy]] while filming himself running through the halls of the building screaming the powerful name [[Xenu]], to strike fear in all of the $cientologist's hearts. The idea that Lord Xenu implanted in isDurpyy's mind is, 'if people will watch someone on [[Youtube]] beat [[Super Mario|Super Mario 69]] in less than 5 minutes, just think of all the views you'll get running through a Scientology building with your [[dick]] hanging out.'
Like all great ideas on the internet that get a lot of views and [[likes]], Swhileyy wanted some of that sweet, sweet [[Fame|e-Fame]] and did a collaboration video with isDurpyy. On March 31, 2026 they posted a video where they ran through the same $cientology building. The video garnered over 90 million views on [[TikTok]] before [[Scientology|$cientology's]] well-paid and [[Evil|scary]] lawyers had it removed for glorifying Xenu.
So, 90 million views equals about 0 [[E-girls|e-pussies]] unless one counts a Japanese [[Hentai]] and their [[sister]]'s skin moisturizer.
Like all great things that someone else's [[Intelligence|genius]] has brought forth (such as [[McDonald's|the drive-thru restaurant]], [[Encyclopaedia Dramatica]], and the [[internets]]), everybody and [[Your Mom|their moms]] are looking to capitalize on this trend, because views and [[likes]] on a website are more important than doing something interesting in their lives, such as a [[girlfriend]] or moving out of their parents' [[basement]].
Let's Get Straight to the Good Stuff!
Since [[Scientology|$cientology]] is having videos taken down from TikTok and [[Youtube]] faster than [[you]] could finish 2 large [[New York|NY]]-style [[pizza]]s - and saying that raids aren't happening, despite their taking the outside handles off of the doors of their buildings or chaining the inside doors of all their buildings and requiring that people be let in to their buildings only after flashing a wad of [[Money|cash]], we will mention [[the best]] invasion, before things devolve into people getting inside the building, painting their [[Ass|asses]] with ink and pressing them up against the walls and windows.
Probably the best raid, (and that'll likely be the pinnacle of these IRL [[Raid|raids]]) happened in May of [[2026]], when more than 20 [[Christian]] [[midgets|dwarves]] raided the $cientology headquarters in [[Los Angeles|LA]] looking for [[Tom Cruise]] because, the dwarves, all being gymnast height, at or less than 4'8" or 142.25 centimeters if you're one of those [[European]] or [[Azn]] fags. Don't worry about [[Africa|Africans]] or [[South America|South Americans]] They can't count past 3.
Once more, the dwarves all being under 4'8" (like Tom Cruise) felt that they would be able to make friends with Tom since they both have to have conversations with peoples' [[Crotch rot|crotches]]. Hoping to convert [[Tom Cruise|Mr. Cruise]] to the side of [[Christ]], the dwarves ran through the Scientology headquarters in Los Angeles looking for him.
As expected, the dwarf-raid ended when $cientologists called the [[cops|po-po]]. The dwarves not wanting to be a [[midget]] in [[Prison|jail]], because it puts them at the perfect height for [[Oral sex|BJs]], all made a run for it.
Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, And Cash - Scientology Summons Their Lawyers
As these raids start to increase because what started out as a pretty [[Kewlies|cool]] event, every [[loser]] with a self-esteem issue has to go and [[ruin]] it, because they want to be like that [[nigger]] that goes around [[Washington, D.C.]] showing that he can knock people out with a single punch by [[Pussy|sucker-punching]] them in the jaw while his friend films him on their phone and then gets caught because, like a dumbass, he uploaded the videos to [[TikTok]] and someone that knew him ratted him out for an easy $2,000 payday. Seriously, you would not believe how many [[time]]s that has actually happened.
Scientologists, now taking cues from their [[lawyers]], have started putting security cameras on every floor and have taken to getting in the way of these people doing speedruns, as when one of the speedrunners bumps into them, it counts as [[Assault]]. Since the speedrunners are already committing Criminal Trespass and [[Steal|Burglary]] might even get thrown in if the prosecutor wants to do it just for [[Lulz|Shits and Giggles]]. Trust us, with the amount of money $cientology likes to throw at Suppressive Persons, burglary will get added. Scientology is seen as a [[church]] by the [[United States of Americunts|USA]] and these assaults can count as [[H8|hate crimes]] and can be investigated and prosecuted by the [[Federal agents|federal government]].
Seeing as how $cientology likes to throw money at anything to make an [[Goatse|asshole]] go away, if you're in one of these videos where a [[Scientology|$cientologist]] is struck, don't be surprised if the [[Party Van]] parks in front of your house and [[FBI|scary men in black suits]] step out. If you haven't already been arrested because, as we said earlier, these runs are now being seen as [[H8|hate crimes]] and the [[pigs]] are showing up at Scientology Centers faster then a cop teleporting instantly to a [[Jewish]] Temple because a rabbi called and said that there's a [[Nazi|skinhead]] painting a [[swastika]] on the Temple Door.
Leah Remini Runs Her Mouth
Looking like [[Star Trek|William Shatner]] on metabolic steroids for pneumonia, and sounding like a five-pack-a-day [[cigarette|smoker]], [[Leah Remini]], (always looking for attention and ready to blame $cientology for everything wrong with her life,) actually had some good advice about this trend of $cientology speedrunning.
Leah has said that these speedruns do nothing but benefit $cientology because they get to play the [[Victim]] and [[Crybaby|cry]] that they are being attacked for nothing more then simply who they are.
Every time someone does a speedrun in a $cientology building, $cientology gets to cry just like a [[Jew]] in a majority-white neighborhood every time a [[swastika]] is painted on their door. These speedruns are counter-productive; They let $cientology play the [[Jewish]] discrimination card and say that these [[speedruns]] are only being done as an attack against their [[Religion|Faith]].
Leah also went on to say that these speedruns do nothing to expose the [[Evil|evils]] of $cientology. She says that the speedruns are done by clueless [[Retard|idiots]] that have only started doing them since they think one video will make their [[attention whoring]] asses look cool. These speedrunners, she claimed, are no better than [[Tom Cruise]] dropping to his knees, we'll [[Dubious disclaimer|just assume]] that Tom Cruise [[some say|would probably]] drop to his knees and polish [[Psychopath|David Miscavige]]'s shoes if he's ordered to - because we really don't want to get [[Lolsuit|sued]].
In one of her more [[Intellectual|intelligent]] points, Leah ended by saying that these speedruns are counterproductive. Leah stated that $cientology is a [[cult]] and every day they are being indoctrinated with the [[Train Of Thought|lesson]] that they are hated simply because they are $cientologists and misunderstood because the people outside their doors are polluted with disembodied spirits (Body Thetans), are always ready to attack them because $cientology knows the one true universal truth (Christ is King), and if you have enough money, they can exorcise you of these foul "spirits" so that you can have a seat at [[Xenu|Xenu's]] table in a great hall. During the day you will fight to your death and then be reborn in the evening, at your seat at [[Xenu|Xenu's]] table where you will eat, [[Alcohol|drink]] and celebrate all night and come morning, this cycle of battle and partying will repeat.
By doing these speedruns just for views and likes, Leah said that all these people are doing is reinforcing $cientology's indoctrination, because they are only being done to fill the wants of their narcissistic Body Thetans, and they are only done for momentary fame and nothing more.
In other words, if you are too dumb to get what [[Leah Remini]] said, in simple words:
See Also
* [[Agent Pubeit]]
* [[Nicole Ritchie|eFame]]
* [[L. Ron Hubbard]]
* [[Leah Remini]]
* [[Money]] - They will take all your money and demand more.
* [[Project Chanology]]
* [[Scientology|$cientology]]
* [[Storm Area 51]] - more or less the same shit but with [[Area 51]].
* [[TikTok]]
* [[Tom Cruise]]
* [[Youtube]]
* [[Xenu]]
External Links
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[[category:Trolls]]
[[category:TikTok]]
[[category:2026]]