This is an article about the game Portal. Maybe you were looking for [[Encyclopedia Dramatica:Portals|Wiki portals]]?
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UPDATE: The ending of the game has been updated so players won't get all butthurt over a frustrating fade-to-black ending. The escort bot drags you away but not before relaying you these words: Thank you for assuming the [[Buttsecks|Party Escort Submission Position]].
There's a continuity flaw: At the end of Portal, you're outside of Aperture Laboratories with GLaDOS' parts scattered around. However, in Portal 2 you can clearly see that GLaDOS is back into her own arena, only the place got [[PETA|nature-infested]]. She also got some updates to her model, [[Shit nobody cares about|which makes us believe that something took her back to her arena and repaired her.]]
Additionally, players who bothered putting money into this shit ahead of time got an [[Gay|awesome]] item in everyone's favorite [[Team Fortress 2|online hat simulator]].
==Portal: as Described by Pretentious Feminazis==
When the idiots at http://www.gamesradar.com/us/xbox360/game/features/article.jsp?articleId=20071207115329881080&releaseId=2006071916221774024§ionId=1003&pageId=20071207115724980042" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">some shitty website were hired to write an article about Portal, rather than do an actual review (http://www.gamesradar.com/xbox360/portal/review/portal/a-2007100911151747210694/g-2006071916221774024" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Here's the actual review, as written by GamesRadar), they decided to over-analyze and, in some cases, completely make shit up to discuss why the first person shooter was not only revolutionary to gaming, but to [[feminazi]] society. [[Encyclopedia Dramatica|In response, some /b/tards completely ignorant of the fact that this is a satirical article]] got [[butthurt]]. [[feminism|Feminists]], more aptly known as femi[[Nazi|nazis]], are bat-shit insane, [[Fact|bra-burning]] cunts who believe men are the reason for [[Furry|everything that is wrong with the world]], and would like to have everyone with a penis killed or enslaved forever. As this particular feminazi, [[Fag|Joe McNeilly]], illustrates, their ranks do contain the occasional "male" (to use the word in its [[Goatse|loosest]] possible sense). There is an [[Not really|off chance]] that Joe is just a [[You|dude]] who only wrote this to reap his $20 interweb salary and maybe impress some [[Slut|liberal arts student]]. However, the [[OVER 9000|sheer magnitude]] of feminist [[shit|drivel]] contained in the article suggests Joe is actually a [[cult|true believer]].
[[File:Portal Tattoo.jpg|thumb|Why would http://vegasama.deviantart.com/art/Portal-Tattoo-s-180973083?q=&qo=" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">someone do this?]]
Joey argues that Portal is "[[HA HA HA, OH WOW|a feminist critique of the first person shooter]]," and thereafter, he breaks out the ol' thesaurus and starts firing off loads of SAT-worthy words, machine-gun style. The gist of what he says is that the mainstream, retarded, male-oriented first person shooters, such as Call of Duty 4, are all grotesquely violent examples of militarism, and because men don't have the [[LOL|superior intellect of women]], we solve our problems by [[War|mindlessly pumping each other full of lead]] and [[9/11|blowing up buildings]] - you know, the cool way of solving problems. Usually in first person shooters, the guns are all [[Penis|phallic]] symbols of masculinity, but the weapon in Portal is a vagina-cannon that shoots metaphysical vaginas and rainbows to outwit masculine enemies. Joey also says the sentries have "boyish voices," despite being http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1127708/fullcredits#cast" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">voiced by Ellen McLain, and sounding like genderless babies. Nevertheless, these [[Lie|CLEARLY MASCULINE]] turrets try to deceive Chell with friendly chatter and then brutally murder her; because men are evil and enjoy deceiving and killing defenseless, intelligent women.
It's particularly hilarious how all the dorks who claim things like Doom, which is based around saving the universe from demons and Hell, are masculine/anti-woman/patriarchal while they all seem to ignore Metroid and its main character Samus Aran, who is a chick that is trying to save the universe from Space Pirates and parasitic vampire bowling balls. Same shit, different gender. Of course, Mr. McNeilly sees the [[Truth|completely fucking genderless and inanimate]] Companion Cube as a [[Lie|CLEARLY MASCULINE]] father figure who only burdens Chell and slows her down, so the feminist tendency to grossly overthink things and find a bunch of bullshit symbolism in something as dull and plain as a metal box with a heart on it is a clear sign of [[Retarded|extreme mental instability]]. The same dumbass would probably see Samus Aran's metal powersuit as some kind of manly oppressive device designed by a patriarchal regime to hide Samus' feminine titties and vajayjay and suffocate her blooming womanhood through a symbolic steel shell/prison with a phallic laser cannon, despite the fact that it was created by birds (fun fact: the birds probably WERE a patriarchal regime). And of course, it's completely unobvious that Samus is a chick, even though in Metroid Prime you can see a clearly feminine set of eyes through her visor and you hear a chick grunt in pain when you get hit and all the Pirate data and Chozo data that you find refers to you as a "she".
Shortly after the game was released, about twenty million brain-starved wannabe-hipster gamers started spamming the shit out of Portal references practically everywhere even vaguely associated with [[geek]] culture. Along with "Still Alive" and the Companion Cube, this resulted in one of the most gratingly awful catch phrases ever to take a giant shit across the internet: "[[Truth|the cake is a lie]]".
Yes, we know: the cake is a fucking lie. We've all heard it [[At least 100|about four hundred billion times]]. The joke is so thoroughly dead, it actually kills [[lulz]] every time it's repeated. http://screwattack.com/blogs/Malcolms-Random-Blogs/Valve-is-sick-of-the-Portal-cake-jokes-and-info-on-Portal-2-is-revealed|" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Even Valve is sick of your shit.

This was a triumph.
I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
Al Quaeda Terror...
We kill who we must, because, we can.
For the good of all of us,
Except the ones who we killed.
But there's no sense crying over every mistake.
You just keep on trying till you run out of planes.
And the terror gets done.
And you shoot a neat gun.
At the people who are still alive.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart,
and killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into the ocean.
As they sank it hurt, because I was so happy for you!
Now these new recruits make a beautiful line.
And we're out of the mountains,
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD I got shot,
think of all the planes we got,
for the people who are still alive.
Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else to help you.
Maybe Black Water.
THAT WAS A JOKE. HAHA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyways, these virgins are great,
they're so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking
when there's terror to do,
When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've suicide bombing to run,
there is killing to be done,
to the people who are still alive.
And believe me I am still alive.
I'm doing terror and I'm still alive.
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE.
STILL ALIVE.
Sung version by some fucking faggot.
So I ask, /b/, how do -I- think with portals?
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Anon is legion.
We closed every pool here: DUE TO AIDS
It's hard to overstate this damn infection.
Nigras of EBAUMS.
We do what we must for epic lulz.
For the good of all of us except for those racist mods.
But there's no use trying to resist our pool raids.
You'll just keep on crying till you sink and get AIDS.
And the /b/locking gets done.
And we make a neat run.
From the people who are still online.
I'm not even trolling.
I'm being so helpful right now.
Even though you shouted at and B& me.
And blocked all my IPs.
And extended it. To last. For life.
As they b& I lol'd because I'm spamming DESU at you.
Now these n00bs on HABBO make a target just fine.
So we called for /b/lackup till we got them online.
So I'm glad I got B&.
LOL Catnarok is at hand.
For the people who are still online.
Go ahead and ban me.
I think I will need the un-B& guide.
Maybe you'll find some /b/lackup to help you
Maybe on 4chan? That was a joke HA!HA! Fat chance.
Anyway, this raid is great, It's full of epic and win.
Look at me, still /b/locking when we need moar DESU,
But anon is legion and we're better than you.
When you see the mods run
There is /b/locking to be done.
'Gainst the people who are still online.
And believe me they are still online.
They're banning /b/rothers and they're still online.
They're being RACIST and they're still online.
While you're blogging I'll be still online.
And when they fail I will be still online.
Still online.
Still online.
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If you actually believe this shit actually works, you are [[retarded|incredibly smart]] and [[lie|have a life]].
But do not fret for yourself having no life - Portal [[speedrun|speedrunners]] have managed to get to the cake after discovering every single error in the engine of the game, which, it turns out, is not a lie.
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Now, there are lots of cake recipes out there, but if you want to make a true and original cake, you have to use the ingredients listed in the game. Just hearing the list of ingredients means this is either a very big cake or it's intended to clog arteries. They don't give any directions, so you're on your own there. But here is the transcribed list:
1 18.25oz package chocolate cake mix
1 can prepared coconut pecan frosting
3/4 cup vegetable oil
4 large eggs
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
3/4 cup butter or margarine
1 2/3 granulated sugar
2 cups all-purpose flour
Don't forget garnishes such as:
Fish-head crackers [they can't say "Goldfish" because it's trademarked]
Fish-shaped candies [again, trademark. They can't say Swedish Fish.]
Fish-shaped solid waste
Fish-shaped dirt
Fish-shaped ethylbenzene [that means styrofoam]
Pulled and peeled licorice
Fish-shaped volatile organic compounds and sediment-shaped sediment
Candy coated peanut butter pieces [once again, trademark. They can't say Reese's Pieces], shaped like fish
1 cup lemon juice
Alpha resins (???)
Unsaturated polyester resins [the stuff they use to make fiberglass boats]
Fiberglass surface resins and volatile malted milk impoundments
9 large egg yolks
12 medium geosynthetic membranes
1 cup granulated sugar [that's what they said]
An entry called "How to Kill Someone with Your Bare Hands"
2 cups rhubarb, sliced
2/3 cup granulated rhubarb
1 tablespoon all-purpose rhubarb
1 teaspoon grated orange rhubarb [No, that's not a typo. That's what she said]
3 tablespoons rhubarb on fire
1 large rhubarb
1 cross-borehole electromagnetic imaging rhubarb [A rhubarb/MRI machine?]
2 tablespoons rhubarb juice
Adjustable aluminum head positioner
Slaughter electric needle injector [Again, not a typo]
Cordless electric needle injector
Injector-needle driver
Injector-needle gun
Cranial caps
And it contains proven preservatives, [[Dildo|deep penetration agents]], and [[Holocaust|gas]] and odor control chemicals that will deodorize and preserve putrid tissue. [So basically, formaldehyde]
Of course, despite how great Portal may have been to the masses, sooner or later it was bound to fall prey (lol) to [[furfags]] across the planet, who managed to find something sexual in a game that contains only a box, security cameras, and a gun in empty grey rooms. Armed with the ability to mercilessly rip apart anything remotely resembling humor and twist it into some disappointing puddle of [[furshampoo]] and [[fail]], [[furfag]]s have beaten and [[rape|raped]] Portal more than a [[yahtzee|red-headed stepchild]].
Other than the inevitable shitfest of furry art , furfags have managed to somehow take the Portal ending song and twist it into some [[retard|retarded]] [[fail|song]] about furry [[convention|conventions]], [[yiff]], [[CSI]], and other assorted [[fag|faggotry]].
*http://community.livejournal.com/furcon/281277.html#cutid1" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">"Final Con Report"
*http://kensterfox.livejournal.com" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Alaska furfag responsible for this atrocity.
Note the number of furfags jumping aboard the [[fail|failboat]], [[penis|penises]] in hand, howling (or whatever the fuck it is furfags do) about OMGZ LOL U R SO AWESUM, perhaps with a bastardized Portal quote mismashed to resemble the furry fandom. Some responses were http://community.livejournal.com/furcon/281277.html?thread=1776573#t1776573" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">dumb, however, most were http://community.livejournal.com/furcon/281277.html?thread=1796285#t1796285" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">retarded or just http://community.livejournal.com/furcon/281277.html?thread=1800893#t1800893" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">trying way too hard.
http://wolf-shadow77.deviantart.com/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Or moving from animals to robots.
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This Was A Triumph
I'm Making A Note Here:
HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate
my satisfaction.
Aperture Science
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us.
Except the ones who are dead.
But there's no sense crying
over every mistake.
You just keep on trying
till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done.
And you make a neat gun.
For the people who are
Still alive.
I'm not even angry.
I'm being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart.
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data
make a beautiful line.
And we're out of beta.
We're releasing on time.
So I'm GLaD. I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are
still alive.
Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you'll find someone else
to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa. . .
THAT WAS A JOKE. HA HA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway. this cake is great.
It's so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking
When there's science to do.
When I look out there,
it makes me GLaD I'm not you.
I've experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are
still alive.
And believe me I am still alive.
I'm doing Science and I'm still alive.
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive.
While you're dying I'll be still alive.
And when you're dead I will be still alive.
STILL ALIVE
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Most fanboys and fangirls alike cum in their pants just at the slightest mention of it's name.
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