West Virginia

West Virginia is [[crap]], you can help by returning it to [[Virginia|East Virginia]].

residents of this fine state.]]
has a sudden flashback to his days as a passionate debater of Thomas Jefferson (he's that old).]]

West Virginia is a huge grease splattered mine shaft located west of [[Virginia|Normal Virginia]]. The entire state is an inbred infested shit hole, where it is not uncommon for a women to suck [[nigger]] cock, attend church, smoke a shitload of meth, then go to a [[Robert Byrd|KKK]] rally all in a 24 hour period. West Virginia is also the lardass capital of the world, and most of its population has appeared on the [[Jerry Springer]] show in between collecting welfare checks. On political matters, the entire state is made up of [[Obama]] hating democrats who cling to their gods, guns, and diabetes testing supplies. Most West Virginians are [[drugs|METHodist]] [[IRL]]

West Virginia is notable for having the [[Robert Byrd|oldest senator possibly ever]] the fucker's dead! representing it (holding the seat since before they put [[Soviet Russia|Sputnik]] into space) and for having a [[socialist]] government totally controlled and ran by evil, [[Mafia]]-like [[Communist|left-wing radical]] coal unions. The fact that they vote for libtards on the state level and right wing fags on the federal level officially makes the citizens of West Virginia clinically retarded.

The state owes much of its [[bailout plan|economic viability]] to its close proximity to [[Ohio]], [[Virginia|Regular Virginia]] and [[Pittsburgh]], yet somehow manages to be a better place than all three of them. This is due to West Virginia having nearly no Mexican and, better still, lower taxes. It helps that West Virginia is maybe the only state on the Eastern Seaboard that ain't polluted all to shit, except for the capital city, Charleston, which has a river running through it that [[HA HA HA, OH WOW|might actually be flammable]].

Helped by [[extreme advertising|an aggressive national marketing scheme]], the state offers lots of inane activities to tourists. Basically people can come and live like West Virginians for a week or so, either camping out in the open or in a shitty RV, and go hiking, fishing and hunting. West Virginians call this home and local recreation. Stupid fucking [[yuppies|tourists]] call this a vacation.

It is also home to the [[Wikipedia:Greenbank Observatory|Greenbank Observatory]]. This giant group of [[Science|radio telescopes]] is located high in the mountains in central West Virginia. As part of the [[Aliens|SETI]] project, the intention of putting this observatory in this location was to prevent any interference while looking for intelligent life. As far as picking this particular state for the location, [[I see what you did there|the odds of interference from intelligent life in West Virginia is practically zero]].

As for transportation, the West Virginia highway system is made up of gravel dirt roads and the great West Virginia Turnpike, which is sort of like the [[Germany|Autobahn]] with an obnoxious redneck accent. Ugly orange-painted tollbooths are placed every five feet or so, to charge exorbitant fees aimed at funding the Turnpike and its [[X is not your personal army|army]] of violent, deranged State Troopers.

Because the state is so poor, it relies on [[cops|radar traps]] placed every 500 feet, as well as [[Transformers|Air Radar Surveillance]] to catch speeders and impose [[Xbox|humongous]] fees and fines. Speed should be closely monitored until safely out of West Virginia, or at the very least nearing the border, though it shouldn't be a problem as the average speed limit in West Virginia is [[Epic win|75 mph]] (70, you [[DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS|imbeciles]]) on the highways, and 45 mph on other streets.

If you happen to be anything other than [[white]], do not drive through West Virginia. The chances of having a [[Rape|run-in with the law]] go up [[Over_9000|exponentially]] when driving while black person.

And in case you doubt this little [[PROTIP|tidbit]], remember: this is the state which held an election which, without being rigged by the coal companies (as they so often are), gave a two-thirds landslide victory to [[Hillary Clinton]] over that silly darkie [[Barack Obama]]. Better a [[batshit insane]] white [[woman]] (or what the Hell, a [[John McCain|crippled white man]]) than an uppity [[nigra]].

A Brief History of West Virginia

.]]
Back when America gave birth to all the states, [[Virginia|Regular Virginia]] and West Virginia came out as conjoined twins. West Virginia broke away from Virginia during the American Civil War (pulling a [[divide by zero|double negative]] by seceding from the secession) and was admitted to the Union as a separate state on 20th June 1863.

While Regular Virginia went on to be successful and prosperous(not to mention even more outrageously racist) West Virginia turned out [[retarded|not quite as well]], but managed to win an $[[Over 9000|11,000]] malpractice suit against [[George Washington]] -- the sum was so small because [[truth|nobody in West Virginia can properly count]]. Still, at the time, West Virginia was run by [[white knight|noble men]] determined to change the world for the better, none of them having even the faintest inkling just how epically shitty their new state would wind up.

Some decades after the War of Northern Aggression, but especially starting right around the [[Warren G. Harding|Harding Administration]], West Virginia was gradually taken over by a cabal of big businesses companies who [[nobody gives a shit|cared not a hang]] for the well-being of the people, fucking over the entire population by raping its resources and [[OH GOD BILL|manpower]]. Generally uneducated, West Virginians were basically left to mine the coal they had just sold to some Jew for 1/180th of its actual value. Through the late 19th and early 20th century, West Virginia's resources were [[Rape|exploited heavily]] and shipped to other places the West Virginians couldn't even spell for use in manufacturing and industry.

Right around [[Depression#The_Depression_of_the_1930's|the time Franklin Roosevelt]] took power in the 1930's, West Virginians, sick of the way [[Republican|conservatives]] had mismanaged their clusterfuck of a state, pinned their hopes on [[leftard|Leftists]] who drew their support from the unwashed [[Larry the Cable Guy|blue-collar]] masses. Ever since, West Virginians have worshiped Franklin Roosevelt, the God-Emperor of [[Liberalism]], as their beloved leader, even decades after his death.

Because West Virginia has yet to change after almost a fucking century, the [[Democrats]] and their [[Socialist]] policies have maintained a firm grip on West Virginia politics, bolstered by [[Karl Marx|Marxist]] "energy" (read: coal) companies. This is evidenced by the recent victory in the 2008 primary of [[Hillary Clinton]], America's Favourite Socialist Bitch.

Should [[America]] ever [[an hero|bite the big one]], West Virginia will maintain its independence as a rabidly [[Soviet Russia|Soviet-style]] communist state, as [[you|the workers]] in the coal mines will obey Marx's final command to rise up and unite. And then, [[ad hominem|quite frankly]], we'll all be fucked.

West Virginia Today

West Virginia today is rather like West Virginia of yesteryear -- still full of inbred, backwards-ass, gun-toting hicks. Crazy festivals dedicated to either fruit, grains, ethnic heritage, rivers, trees, or music occur throughout the spring, summer and fall. These generally consist of the population of one small [[hick]] town being overrun by the populations of four or five of the surrounding small [[hick]] towns, and the population of [[assholes]] who grew up in that small town and swore never to return, but returning anyway and getting piss [[drunk]]. You'll find banners and contests dedicated to the local celebratory item (strawberries, buckwheat, maple syrup, [[Ireland]], and so on), a shitty carnival, tons of [[Shit_nobody_cares_about|crafts]] and enough funnel cake to kill a [[Africa|Third-World country]]...which is [[irony|ironic]] cause West Virginia is kind of like a Third-World country in your own backyard.

For some reason, West Virginians are seemingly the only people on the planet to think up the crazy idea of [[Science|baking pepperoni into a piece of bread]]. That's right, the whole world seems to marvel at the novelty that is the West Virginia original, pepperoni roll. It's even to the point the New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/30/dining/30unit.html" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">wrote a two pager on the phenomenon. Sure, there are calzones and Stromboli all over the place, but try to find a fucking pepperoni roll outside of West Virginia and you're shit out of luck. [[Srsly|Seriously]]. Unless you count [[Philadelphia]], where West Virginia probably ripped it off from, since its available in every fucking grocery store and bakery in the area.

Pepperoni rolls constitute the fifth food of the Five West Virginia Food Groups: beer, venison, mashed taters, and overcooked green beans. [[Truth|It's a goddam fact]], go to dinner anywhere in West Virginia and it'll be ger-ren-teed at least one of those will be on the table.

Another phenomenon that seems odd to visitors, at least those that have branches in their family tree, is the fact that being a fat bitch is actively encouraged and celebrated. This celebrating is done mostly by fat, local women who spend too much time in a trailer park and lack the wit to be labeled bitches themselves.

Major steps towards civilization can be seen in areas such as [[PARTY HARD|Morgantown]], which is a pleasant place to be [[truth|if you're not over 25 years old]], because otherwise it's a maggoty hole in the ground. Despite being overrun by [[Watchmen|deranged vigilantes]] and [[furries]], Charleston

nevermind, the faggots from [[Hot Topic]] took it over.

And Wheeling, a city that was once the capital of West Virginia, full of [[Europe|Old World]] charm but since totally demolished and rebuilt to resemble [[Las Vegas]], takes pride in its casino, [[Shit|Wheeling Downs]] [[Shit|Wheeling Island Casino]] aww Hell it don't matter, Wheeling's always been a shit town anyhow.

Some areas of the state are in the process of being taken by the Travis Clan, a Salem-based militia group dedicated to wiping out the [[redneck]] population.

.]]

Things Natives Like To Do

*Drinkin' and drivin'.

*Drinkin' and [[sex|fuckin']].

*Gett'n drunk and seeing UFOs.

*[[incest|Making babies with family members]]

*Fightin'.

*Drinkin' and fightin'.

*Muddin'.

*Over Charging [[Hipster]]s for GrandMa's Home Made Jelly that is just a jar of Smuckers they put in a mason jar.

*Overcharhing hipsters for [[alcohol|home made moonshine]] that is nothing more that rubbing alcohol and lighter fluid.

*Collecting road kill so they can get a grill'n.

*Growing [[marijuana|herbs]].

*Rubbin' snuff.

*Fishin'.

*Huntin'.

*Playing Banjo

*Grillin'.

*Four-wheelin'.

*Playin' the Lott'ry.

*Bein' intolerant.

*[[Democrat|Joinin' a Union]].

*[[Christfag|Goin' to Church]].

*Bein' on the Welfare.

*Bein' trendy and doin' Meth.

*Bein' [[lame]] and doin' the Oxycontin.

*Huffin' gas (if there ain't no Meth or Oxy).

*Hopin' the [[AIDS]] kills all [[Faggot| faggots]] and black person.

*Wait'n for the [[war|big boom]] when everyone nukes each other and they can restart society from their mountain survival camps.

Things Non-Natives Like To Do

* [[Hippies|Hiking]].

* [[Yuppie|Backpacking]].

* [[G2g i need sleep|Camping]].

* [[An hero|Jumping off the New River Gorge Bridge]] (the only thing it's good for).

* [[JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR!|Scenic drives]].

* Locating natural resources and using [[Bullshit|eminent domain]] laws to evict the poor off their land.

* [[Politician|Maintaining a residence here to dodge taxes from other states]].

A Word To Tourists

Even though the movie Deliverance was filmed in (and filmed about) [[Georgia]], one should take great pains to avoid certain places when vacationing. [[Srsly|No, really]]. People have been known to disappear into the woods and never return. When out hiking in remote areas, it is not uncommon to encounter hill-folk who are armed and ready shoot anyone who they think may even remotely resemble [[FBI|"revenuers"]], the Guv'mnt or any authority figure in general. They will shoot first and assume later you was after their [[beer|'shine]], their [[weed]] or their land. The scary part may be that they might have been right, considering West Virginia history.

A recent documentary series, Wrong Turn (and its many sequels) has shed light on the fact that West Virginia backwoods areas harbor inbred mutant cannibal psycho hillbillies. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wrong_Turn" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The second film features Henry Rollins's huge neck and tons of gore.

Charlton Heston and David Duke Shed Tears of Joy

West Virginia is also in the top five states concerning [[gun]] ownership, in good company with [[Sarah Palin|Alaska]], Montana, South Dakota and [[Larry Craig|Idaho]] in terms of states that harbor dissenting minorities of [[conspiracy]] nuts, [[Waco|nutcase compund dwellers]], http://www.newvrindaban.com/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">wacked-out cults and [[Nazi|White Supremacist]] organizations -- in other words, people that [[fap]] to [[Glenn Beck]] every night on Faux News, and scream out [[Ronald Reagan|"Reagan!"]] everytime [[I came|they have]] an orgasm. Luckily, the majority of these [[fucktard|fine folk]] are not native to West Virginia, but rather find ideal hiding places in the vast mountains which are so obscure and [[boring]] no one would bother to look for them there.

The adorable anti-Semite [[Mel Gibson|Mel Gibson's]] father actually moved here to be close to a compound of [[Wikipedia:National_Alliance_(United_States)|especially vile group of Neo-Nazis]], which should surprise no one given the circumstances.

The gun ownership rate in West Virginia is just under 70%, which means there's a gun-and-a-half for every two people. Combine that with statistics that show that West Virginia has one of the lowest murder-by-firearms rates (22/1,000,000) and you basically have [[NRA|deterrence in action]]. No matter how bad at [[school|math learnin']] West Virginians may be, they know that if they pull a gun on someone else, the odds are about two-to-one that that guy is gonna shoot back. And them ain't good odds.

Places You Can Go, But Shouldn't

Beckley

Beckley has a [[work|coal mine]] apprentice training center, the headquarters office for the federal government coal mine rescue agency, the Beckley Exhibition Mine, and towns surrounding it for 75 miles in all directions with names like Coalwood, Pipestem, Rockview, [[Anthrocon|Wolf Pen]], and Slab Fork. All these towns look exactly alike, except Wolf Pen, which is inhabited by mutant half-canine half-human degenerates, the result of generations of [[zoophilia|interbreeding with animals]].

Human furfags (as it were) born in any of these towns wind up in Beckley, which is the only outpost of civilization for hundreds of miles around. It is a proven fact you can get the Black Lung from coal dust simply by driving through Beckley, making it and Charleston the only places in West Virginia that are polluted and gross.

Belle

Belle was at one point a tiny shithole town with a lot of stores on it's main street. Today Belle is a tiny shithole town with a 7-11. The local [[Pigs|police force]] is made up of [[Kids|21 year old]] [[n00bs|skilled professionals]] that [[Nazi|always respect the rights of the locals]] and drive around in [[Trying too hard|Dodge Chargers.]]

Black Wolf

A tiny town in the southern part of the state, which like Wolf Pen would sound really [[awesome]] if it weren't for the [[furfags|things that call it home]]. Like Wolf Pen, it is inhabited exclusively by [[transformation|things that once were men]].
: a common sight in Charleston, where the West Virginia [[furries]] like to gather.]]

Bluefield

Generally not spoken of, because it [[Lindsey Graham|can never make up its damn mind]] which "[[Virginia]]" it's really in.

Buckhannon

Kind of like Pleasantville, only not in black and white -- since there are no black person there. Home to West Virginia Wesleyan College, the deformed bastard child of WVU, Buckhannon collects most of its city revenue by charging outrageous fines to the yuppie fucks from [[Connecticut]], [[New Hampshire]] and [[Vermont]] for underage drinking and just generally being Yankees.

Buckhannon gets more money per capita for law enforcement than the state capital, Charleston, which actually has a few niggers to arrest. The city purports to be a nice modern town thats a nice place to raise a family, despite filled mostly with the kind of people who voted for [[Bush]] the second time, and having jackshit for culture or activities.

Interestingly enough, during the [[last Thursday|presidential election of 1960]], West Virginia swung the elective votes to [[JFK|John F. Kennedy]]: 54 of the 55 counties voted majority for the [[Catholic]] bastard. The one lone standout was Upshur County, of which Buckhannon is the county seat, which went for [[Richard Nixon]]. This means Buckhannon has been a [[conservative|Red State]] since before there were Red and Blue States -- in other words, the very definition of [[fail|failure]].

Charleston

The state capital of West Virginia, a grotesquely polluted cesspool that was taken over by [[global warming|Union Carbide]] sometime before 1940, and later Dow Chemical, who bought Union Carbide after they blew up [[India]] (no, [[Wikipedia:Bhopal_disaster|that's really how it happened]]). According to various local sources, an army of [[furries]] has long since overwhelmed the parts of the city the left-wing coal mines and Dow Chemical don't control. Whether they make it to [[Anthrocon]], or are simply too poor to go, has yet to be determined.

Amandaville

A [[dubious disclaimer|quaint suburb]] of Charleston that is literally crawling with [[niggers]]. Civil unrest in the late 1960's almost led to a city-wide riots and all-out war when [[KFC]] moved its location to Saint Alban's, another suburb (see below).

Hurricane

Occasionally classed with Charleston because of its proximity, Hurricane is less a town than a scattered collection of shanty-houses. The only reason Hurricane is important is that the pronunciation of its name is the easiest way to spot a Yankee -- the "ane" in the word is sounded like "un", making the town "[[Hurrchan|Hurr]]-uh-kun". Strangely, an actual hurricane (like [[Katrina]] or any other freak of the weather [[rape|raping]] New Orleans) is pronounced normally.

Jefferson

Despite being [[ad hominem|quite literally]] the tiniest fucking town you've ever been in, [[jam it in|jammed]] in between Saint Alban's and Amandaville, Jefferson is still notable for consisting entirely -- without exaggeration -- of [[Raptor Jesus|Pentecostal churches]], shady [[porn]] shops, and strip joints full of [[retard|retarded]], inbred fat chicks imported from places like Boone and Clay Counties.

Nitro

On the very outskirts of the general Charleston area is this awful mess: a grotesquely polluted cesspool of environmental foulness built [[back in the day|during World War I]] to make a massive munitions factory. Apparently they thought it [[facepalm|just charming]] to name a town after [[Wikipedia:nitrocellulose|nitrocellulose]]. Lately, however, Nitro has been in the news for being the secret hideout of [[Wikipedia:Raëlism|alien-worshipping]] mad-scientist [[hippies]] who have claimed to clone a human baby. No. [[O RLY|Really]].

Saint Alban's

Depending on who you ask, the "rich" part of Charleston -- that is to say, people have two outhouses as opposed to just one. Notable for Saint Alban's High School, whose mascot, [[Fuck you, I'm a dragon!|the Red Dragons]], has to be among the [[win|coolest]] on the East Coast.

One must never associate St.Albans with Nitro, or all of the rednecks and niggers will riot. They are so widely opposed to Nitro that the two cities shitty hand-egg teams have a circlejerk on a 100 yard piece of shitty crabgrass and call it "The Battle of the Bridge," referencing a decrepit bridge built over a toxic body of water called the Coal River. This bridge and body of chemicals is the only thing separating the two cities besides the social status St. Albans residents think they have and the extra digits Nitrofags wish they didn't have.

St.Albans likes to pretend to be relevant and call certain sectors of their shithole "historic" because archaic rednecks, aided by aliens, built a fucking road out of bricks and shit on it.

Charles Town

Because [[truth|no one in West Virginia can spell]], people often mistake this confused mess of a town for "Charleston". The only thing keeping this city on the map anymore is the [[gambling|casino]], which is the real reason for the [[bailout plan|national debt]] given its proximity to the Washington, D.C. metro area. Politicians have been spotted here spending [[thief|your tax dollars]] on horses that they race and do [[Mr. Hands|unmentionable things with]]. For some real fun when you've pissed all your money away, stop by the security desk and ask which stall Ameet wanted quarantined for equine herpes. Or just watch for a big metal cart with a bunch of gray boxes on it getting pushed around and give it a good running tackle.

Cyclone

A tiny town whose name is [[lulz|lulzy]] given other towns in West Virginia are called Tornado and Hurricane.

Dunbar

Despite [[some argue|what others might say]], the great [[H.P. Lovecraft]] actually got his inspiration for [[Cthulhu|Innsmouth]], the decaying city with mutant inhabitants, from this nice little village near Charleston. The locals, who never say much and having an unnerving habit of staring down interlopers to their town, may be rightly said to [[crazy|"not be quite right"]], which is a polite West Virginian term for "inbred monstrosity". Despite being decrept, [[Creepypasta|creepy]], and a guarantee for a [[murder|mysterious disappearance]] should you venture too late at night, it is known for having quite possibly [[epic win|the best Burger King]] in [[America]], with chicken fries that are [[nice try|literally to die for]].

Elkins

Sort of like Shepherdstown, but [[joke|not quite as bad]]. Elkins has a ramps festival, which is a stinky plant that makes your breath smell like [[shit]]. Has a choo-choo train and attracts [[foamer|foamers]] the way [[Anthrocon]] attracts [[furfag|furfags]].
on screen. Very aptly asked the rhetorical question, [[Family Guy|"Why are there so many ostriches?"]]]]

Fairmont

You know that one city everyone's heard of but no one's ever really been to? This is it.

Harper's Ferry

No. Parking. Anywhere. A bunch of [[geek|National Park Service rangers]] think life sucks because they would rather be at Yellowstone or the Grand Canyon, and will have your car towed. There is [[shit nobody cares about|nothing to see]] there anyway, except a bunch of [[bum|bums]] passing through during the summer, hiking the Appalachian Trail, and some [[The War of Northern Aggression|Civil War]] stuff that clearly holds way more attraction than anything the actual city could offer.

Huntington

Despite being home to Marshall University, [[trying too hard|the coolest university you've never heard of]], Huntington remains perhaps one of the most depressing spots on the planet, a fact no one has ever been able to properly explain. The mere mention of Huntington in Morgantown is enough to start a riot, as the two cities consider each other [[A challenger appears|worthy opponents]] in college [[sports]], despite the fact that both of them [[epic fail|suck so hard]] not even ESPN can be bothered covering their sporting events.

While less easy than hearing someone pronounce "Hurricane" wrong, a good way to spot a non-West Virginia native is to hear them annunciate all the letters and syllables in "Huntington", something the townspeople find abhorrent. The proper pronunciation, of course, is "Hunnington". Huntington is also the natural habitat of the [[lolcow]] known as [[Hayven]].

Martinsburg

Hazzard County may be in [[Georgia]] on television, but [[IRL|in reality]] it's right here. Martinsburg is full of people who think they are Bo and Luke Duke. Some of them commute to Washington D.C. and [[poser|play Bo and Luke Duke only on the weekends]]. For some of them it's a [[redneck|full time gig]]. Otherwise best known for being a stopover for truck drivers and drug traffickers passing through on I-81, the interstate known for eating people alive with traffic and car crashes, who stop at all the [[pr0n|strip clubs]] and [[Wal-Mart]].

Morgantown

An absolute hole of a town saved from certain obscurity for being known almost exclusively as the home to West Virginia University, otherwise known was WVU. It is generally agreed that [[Lie|WVU is a great place to send your kids to college]]. At least that's what the [[fucks]] from Jersey seem to think. Since Morgantown generally revolves around WVU, and WVU generally revolves around sports and alcohol, [[truth|Morgantown is basically one big bar and restaurant]].

The population basically doubles at time classes are in session for WVU. At any point during football season, the population can triple for a weekend due to all the influx of [[assholes|alumni]] and semi-locals flooding the town to watch the [[niggers|football team]] genrally be mediocre. The increase in population leads to a influx of revenue to Morgantown which helps keep it from degrading into a more basic West Virginia town. Though this benefits financially, it also produces three times as much trash as normal. Though this is rearely seens as a problem since it gives the [[Mexicans|workers]] something to do by cleaning up.

The population of Morgantown is made up of generally equal parts [[hipsters]], [[hippies]], [[yuppies]] and [[rednecks]]. And though the yuppies may hide their status by being hippies, the rednecks only present themselves as rednecks. The hipsters are just [[gay]]. Since the university is located here, along with a large university hospital, there are quite a few minorities and immigrants. These can be broken into a few simple categories, [[Mexican|workers]], [[Hindu|little brown doctors]], [[Asians|human calculators]] and [[Arabs|terrorists]]. There is a small population of [[Niggers|black people]] in Morgantown, but they are only there to play sports and [[rape]] beautiful [[Womyn|white women]]. There may also be a Jew or two...but no one bothers to ask.

Parkersburg

The [[bailout plan|U.S. Bureau of Public Debt]] is based here, which is appropriate, as the whole place is a clusterfuck of [[emo|clinical depression]], almost as bad as Huntington, but without a nationally accredited university to back it up.

Princeton

Although supposed to be known for its Visitor's Center, which from certain angles looks like [[Megaman|Dr. Wily's castle]], Princeton is mostly famous for having the best Wendy's restaurant ever. Sometime in the mid-90's, a rumor got out that this was due to the cooks hunting people from [[Ohio]], using their meat for the hamburgers and their [[fat|bodyfat]] for cooking grease...but [[nobody gives a shit|nobody cared]], because the burgers were (and are) just too damn delicious.

Rand

Known to the [[Black_People|locals]] as "Dodge City". It has been given this name because anyone other than a native to the community should [[GTFO|dodge]] this shithole. It is known as a breeding ground for young entrepreneurs to produce and market their [[Crack|product]] for distribution to [[White trash|eager consumers]]. Also known as the hometown of [[Jailhouse_Gay|NFL star]] [[Chikins|Randy Moss]].

Salem

See "West Union" below, but add a dash of black person and a sprinkle of [[azn]]. The Travis Clan, who have had a loose grip over the region for the past decade, are based here. They're forces are doing their best to knock down the rabid, incest swarms of [[rednecks]], but they may require reinforcements soon.

Shepherdstown

Mostly a bunch of Birkenstock-wearing yuppies pretending to be [[hippie]] freaks while hanging out at farmer's markets selling organic tofu and smoking [[marijuana|wacky tobacky]]. Despite appearances, there are no actual hippies living within eight miles of town, and any sighting of hippies within city limits is either a suburbanite playing pretend or an actual hippie who just stopped by to laugh at anyone who has shaved since the late sixties. The town has a wide array of pretentious shops, peddling arts and crafts made by some pretentious "[[Concerned Women|women's collective]]" in [[Guatemala]] at prices that make you want to look into investing in rice paddies and mud farms. This is assuming that you can even enter these quaint little purveyors of overpriced horseshit as most of the storefronts and sidewalks are choked with townies, gays, collegiate dyke wannabees, skater punks, and scenester/emo kids from the "University". The entire town [[feminism|reeks of estrogen]], and any man deciding to make a day trip there is advised to keep a can of bear mace close at hand.

Tornado

Like Hurricane (and Cyclone, for that matter), Tornado is an insignificant town named for a violent storm that is pronounced the wrong way: "Tor-NAH-do", instead of "Tor-NAY-do". Once again, an actual tornado is [[ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER DO YOU SPEAK IT|pronounced as it should be]] when spoken of by locals.
.]]

Weirton

Weirton wanted to be Pittsburgh when it grew up. [[Fail|Instead]] it is Wheeling's little brat kid to the immediate north.

Welch

This used to be a major town. Now it's [[fail|all boarded up]], and gets flooded out a lot. All the [[fun|action]] long ago moved up to Beckley, which [[boring|isn't saying a whole lot]]. No, [[srsly|seriously]], this town lost 80% of its population in the last three decades. This is a higher rate of [[loser|loss]] than the rate of tooth loss in Huntington plus money loss in Charles Town and Wheeling combined.

Gay

Where you live.

West Union

A small town in the north-central region of the state that was supposedly a booming community "back-n-th-day". Now just a steaming shitpile of wiggers and drug addicts. Most of the residents who aren't one of these are racist, homophobic, conservative assholes who like anal and oral sex with animals. Note that this area is the second to be taken by the Travis Clan.It was claimed with the help of their allies, the Gawroriski's

Wheeling

[[Back in the day|Once upon a time]], Wheeling was the magnificent capital of the [[white knight|freedom-loving confederacy of self-reliant mountain men]] that came to be known as West Virginia. Now, it is described by most as "[[Pittsburgh]]'s Truckstop", priding itself on six of the [[Hell|Seven Deadly Sins]] -- omitting Lust, as no one in that city is attractive enough to warrant it. Cheap diners, floozies and slot machines are aplenty in Wheeling, if you ever want to see just how fast a [[for great justice|noble and just idea]] can devolve into a grotesque shithole. Every year Wheeling attracts over 9000 Fayette County, Pennsylvania hicks looking to legally gamble and purchase fireworks.

The "Unincorporated Communities"

Few and far between, these communities dot the hills of the Appalachian Mountains and offer little enjoyment employment and are only good if you feel like looking at [[boring|leaves during the fall]]. If you believe the hype, which some do, several of the asylums featured in "[[The Holders]]" are in these areas, which makes the pretty leaves during the fall far less appealing for the average tourist.

Chester

Founded [[at least 100]] years ago Chester has become the shinning jewel of the norther panhandle, which doesn't say much for the rest of the state. Formerly a city of steel mill and pottery workers, and home of the Worlds Largest Teapot, Chester is now a "nice to drive through but wouldn't live there" town. The only thing keeping Chester relevant now-a-days is the decrepit Mountaineer Casino Racetrack & Resort. Mountaineer Park used to be a thriving business until Jew took over as GM, now the place has turned into a real [[FAIL]]. They only thing Chester has going for it is that [[Pittsburgh]] is 40 minutes south.

Places You Can't Go, But Should

Ichor Falls

A fictional community located "somewhere" in West Virginia. Despite being fictional, the sad truth is that many of the scary stories told in and about it are more or less representative of http://www.ichorfalls.com/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">the whole state itself.

Silent Hill

The weird thing is, people insist the place is real, but they might be confusing it with the [[IRL|real life]] town of [[Wikipedia:Centralia,_Pennsylvania|Centralia, Pennsylvania]]. Then again, there's always the [[sick fucks|sick fucks]] who really do want [[Pyramid Head]] to rape them, and want it so bad they'd be willing to believe anything. Deranged locals who insist it's a real town say things like [[Billy Mays|SILENT HILL FUCK YEAH]] [[Wikipedia:Centralia,_West_Virginia|TOLUCA COUNTY!]]

West Virginia In the Media

The great state of West Virginia is home to the highest per capita rate of general weirdness in the entire country, outdoing the witches of [[Massachusetts]] and the [[New Jersey|Jersey Devil]] by a longshot.

Ichor Falls, the fictional [[Creepypasta|(or is it?)]] community in the western part of the state, has its own website (see above) and other creepy goings-on, like [[Wikipedia:The Mothman|The Moth Man]], have had whole movies to document them. In addition, movies like Wrong Turn (see above) which reinforce [[truth|the negative stereotype of West Virginia as being populated by demented cannibals]], have been brought out for the general public's edification in a [[fail|failed]] attempt to draw attention, any attention, to this neglected podunk backwoods clusterfuck called a state.

Kudos to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Greaseman" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The Greaseman's http://www.okcupid.com/profile/fonzz217/journal/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Secret sauce:

On the Web

Contrary to [[common knowledge|popular belief]], West Virginia is not only highly proficient in the [[Ted Stevens|new-fangled series of tubes]] called the Internet, but creates much drama on it, too.

The state as a whole produces an unusually high volume of furfags, in fact providing [[Fchan]] with a booming business of isolated, lonely [[zoophile|zoophiles]] who need their fix of ghastly [[yiff]] porn -- little wonder with towns like [[Bestiality|Black Wolf]] and [[Anthrocon|Wolf Pen]]. This is especially true most everywhere in the state, given that the most attractive woman in town [[Mr. Hands|tends to be the farmer's horse]].

West Virginia is also responsible for [[99.9%]] of all [[Star Trek]] [[fanfiction]], most of it worse than many people on [[FanFiction.Net]] are accustomed to -- a [[fact|proven fact]] that has yet to be (ironically) [[science|scientifically]] explained.

Some Handy YouTubes

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Some Handy Links

*http://archive.fo/vdFaa" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">The Mighty Secret Seven, redneck journalists.
*http://www.ahajokes.com/laws048.html" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Hey, fuck you. Your state has dumb laws too...
*http://archive.fo/fkazV" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Abaguchie lore. Kinda like Bigfoot, only dumber.
*http://www.mothmanlives.com" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Another crazy-ass alien/Monstrous creature, born and bred in West Virginia.
*http://www.trans-alleghenylunaticasylum.com" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Haunted nuthouse in Weston, featured on "Ghost Hunters" and a Travel Channel special.
*http://www.officialbridgeday.com" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Come jump off a really high fucking bridge!
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Philippi_(West_Virginia)" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Home of the first land battle of the Civil War, known more accurately as "The War of Northern Aggression".

Yar ye yer yippin y'all be from them thar city?

Most non-residents of West Virginia have a difficult time [[ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?|comprehending the language of the locals]]. This is putting it mildly.

An example

This can be translated:

How To Speak West Virginian

West Virginia uses an incomprehensible form of gibberish, slackjaw-yokelism and Appalachian drawl as its common dialect. Imagine, if you will, a state full of [[Hank Hill|Boomhauers]] or residents of Pickham from [[Role-playing|Dragon Quest]], but sounding like they just emerged from an abandoned coal pit. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what you will find most commonly in West Virginia.

General Rules

*Not pronouncing the letter "g" in the suffix "ing".

*Pronouncing "-ire" to sound like "-ahr". I'm gonna set a tahr on fahr.

*Pronouncing "-ere" to sound like "-ahr". Watch out! Thar's a bahr over yonder!

*Omitting the leading "th-" sound. 'at 'ere coon dun stole muh bike!

*The word "creek", referring to a small flowing body of water, is pronounced "crick".

*Saying "nawh" and "yep" in place of [[no]] and [[yes]].

*Begin present tense verbs an "a" sound. I's a'gonna go a'walkin' up n'to Cletus fer a jaw.

*Pronouncing [[Nigger|"r"]] where there isn't. "Warsh yer arse!"

*Answering the phone with an added extra syllable: "Nnnhello?" or alternatively, "Y'ello."

*As a general rule, try to get all your verbs in the wrong tense or case and add extra verbs and location modifiers anywhere you can. I saw that on the local news broadcast this evening. becomes I dun seen it on th' TV this here evenin'.

*When in doubt, run three or four words together to make a semi-nonsensical phrase. I am never going to do that again. becomes Ai'ner'goin'do that 'gin.

*Always, ALWAYS use the word "ain't" to replace "is not, isn't, I am not, I have not," or any other form of the word "be" indicating a negative state. Nnnhello. Yep. Dun hear'd that thar frum Billy. How'n'a'Hell is a bar 'n a crick gon' be puttin' out a tahr fahr? Ain't ner' hear'd such a yarn.

What West Virginia Has Given America

West Virginia actually does produce quite a bit for [[America]], including:

* The [[Jerry Springer]] show.
*[[sp|Athletes]] from the [[Black]] minority (like 1.1% of the population).
*[[Writer|Journalists]], of the [[liberal]] crusading kind.
*[[Hillary Clinton]] and [[John McCain]] supporters.
*Senator [[Robert Byrd]], also known as [[Jesus|Moses]] and, back in the day, "Old Sheet", because of his one-time membership in the [[KKK]].
*Noisy governors like [[Fat|Joe Man-Chin]] and Bob Wise, the latter of whom http://www.nytimes.com/2004/03/23/us/t-shirt-slight-has-west-virginia-in-arms.html" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">hates him some Abercrombie & Fitch.
*The guy who [[holy_shit|broke the sound barrier]], Chuck Yeager, who has an airport named for him.
*Jennifer Garner, proving not all West Virginia chicks are [[MAN THE HARPOONS|grotesquely unattractive.]]
*Coal, and lots of it.
*The evil [[Karl Marx|Marxist]] coal companies.
*Jesco.
*Couches, to replace those burned after football games.

Trolling Wess'erginians

*Telling [[incest]] jokes.
*Asking, "What part of western Virginia are you from?" or "Is that near Richmond or Roanoke?"
*Being [[John Kerry|educated]].
*Being [[black]].
*Being [[Al Sharpton|black and educated]].
*Being [[Barack Obama|black and educated and president]].
*Mentioning how outdated and stupid hunting is.
*Saying [[John F. Kennedy]] and/or Franklin Roosevelt were anything but the best damn presidents [[evar]].

Dang Ol' Gallery

[Gallery content]

See also

*[[Georgia]]
*[[Alabama]]
*[[Mississippi]]

[[Category: Locations]]