Elite Beat Agents

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Typical EBA Gameplay. The larger circle denotes the "hit area"
Typical EBA Gameplay. The larger circle denotes the "hit area"

Typical EBA failure. [[Bitches
Typical EBA failure. [[Bitches
can't do nothing right.]]
This is the amerikanized version of [[Anime|Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan]], with 50% less [[weeaboo]] [[faggotry]], and 25% more [[Habbo Hotel|Pool's Closed]]. The entire game consists of hitting circles with a piece of plastic. The internet being what it is,
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[https://archive.today/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">https://archive.today/ ]

http://boards.gamefaqs.com/gfaqs/genmessage.php?board=933052&topic=34365723" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">to do. Some even have [[flame wars]] about how one game's circles are harder to hit than the other's.

Development

Keiichi Yano from iNiS was making [[money|lotsa cash]] with Ouendan and all the [[Wapanese|weeaboos]] importing it to America - However, he wanted to make the non-wapanese audience addicted [[Boring|to tapping circles]] and [[You|looking like a stupid fag]] while doing so [[:File:Prints_money.gif|to make even MOAR cash]]. The first plan was to turn the cheerleader guys into the [[fag|Village People]], but iNiS admitted that would be too gay even for Nintendo standards - http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/specialArt.cfm?artid=13107" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">"Yano felt that nobody actually wanted to play as The Village People." Now that's an understatement. So instead, they mixed [[Not_gay|Men in Black]], [[Bisexual|Ghostbusters]] and [[Gay_bomb|Austin Powers]] together, added some [[Lesbian|Charlie's Angels]] for the boobs and voilĂ , the agents were born.

Characters

Nobody gives a shit about them because they have [[16_year_old_girls|no interesting personality whatsoever]].

Spin


Niggah [[Newbie|noob]] who worships [[Will Smith]] and gets it [[Buttsecks|in the ass]] at least once a week. The manual claims "he always keeps his groove courtesy of extra-large headphones". Yaright. We all know black guys have [[Cock|extra-large headphones]]. Also grins like a [[retard]] all the time and has been a [[Happy_Negro|porn star]] before he joined the EBA.
[[Pool's Closed|Srs bznz.
[[Pool's Closed|Srs bznz.
]] His difficulty level is horribly easy. Even [[Retard|retards]] get bored with black person after they played the very first song.

J


[[Douchebag]] who's [[Sonic_the_Hedgehog|pseudocool]] [[To_the_max|to the max]]. Seems to lack any kind of sense for looks and has a hairstyle even a [[Sparkledog]] would be embarrased about. [[Some argue]] that his hair doubles as a [[Dongcopter|dongcopter]]. Loves to dance [[Gay|ballet]] and "[[Hypnotoad|can mesmerize any living thing]]". Gets raped by [[Phoenix_Wright#Daryan_Crescend|Daryan Crescend]] on a regular basis.
Also the [[Wolverine]] of the game because he's the only character people actually remember.

Chieftain


Your typical [[Brokeback_Mountain|cowboy fan]] and [[Redneck]]. He is everything an unmanly [[Azn]] man dreams to be (hence why he's in a game from Japan - They most likely only created him for [[Yaoi|fapping]] reasons). Like any hardcore epitome of manliness, he's probably [[FTM]] or [[your mom]]. Why he dances to gay pop music like [[Madonna|Material Girl]] is anyone's guess - Either [[for the lulz]] or because he's a [[Tom_Cruise|flaming faggot]], just like anyone else in this game.
[[Goofy_Time|What Kahn does in his free time.
[[Goofy_Time|What Kahn does in his free time.
]]

Derek


White version of [[Nigra]]. Shows that hair is in fact [[serious business]] and has the biggest frown ever. Backup dancer nobody cares about. Buttbuddies with Morris. Zomg [[Ship|Afroshipping]]!

Morris


More Pool's Closed. Second dude in the background. Fusion of [[Afro_Ninja|Afro Ninja]] and [[Imma_Let_You_Finish|Kanye West]] with a fedora taken directly from [[Win|Blues Brothers]]. Buttbuddies with Derek.
[[Super Smash Bros#Super_Smash_Bros._Brawl|Kahn calls dibs.
[[Super Smash Bros#Super_Smash_Bros._Brawl|Kahn calls dibs.
]]

Commander Kahn


Boss of the http://www.nintendoworldreport.com/specialArt.cfm?artid=13107" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Disco Rangers and easily the gayest of them all. When he doesn't [[Khaaan!|yell]] at his sexually abused minions or the player (not really a difference, [[amirite]]?), he dances like a sluttly cheerleader. Yes, a like 60 year old man slapping his [[DAT ASS|butt]] to [[Ashlee Simpson|La La]] - And the [[Goggles|shades]] do nothing. Additionally, he's a [[Furry|furfag]] with a [[Creepy|kawaii neko fursona]] called Mr. X.

Elite Beat Divas


Trio of [[Cheerleader|cheerleaders]] who are blatantly [[asking for it]]. Excel in using useless double consonants and [[Cocktease|cockteasing]]. They are Kahn's bitches; he keeps them [[Basement|where wimminz belong]] and sometimes tells them to [[gtfo]] in [[ALL CAPS]] when he wants to wank to his [[yiff]] art. The Divas go through the exact same [[Shit|missions]] their male colleagues [[Mantrain|did several times]]. This proves that they aren't good for anything besides serving as [[Pr0n|fapping material]].

Soundtrack

Being a [[Nintendo|Nintendo-made]] rhythm-based game, it has a [[Sarcasm|well-balanced selection of premium-quality covers]].

*[[Shit|Walkie Talkie Man]] (What life could've looked like if you wouldn't be constantly playing and horribly [[fail|failing]] at [[Dragonforce|Jumpin Jack Flash]])
*[[Shit|Makes No Difference]] ([[Michael Moore]] shoots another movie about [[shit nobody cares about|very important topics]]. [[Hotel Mario|And YOU gotta help him!]])
*[[Shit|Sk8terboi]] ([[Woman]] that is trying to break out of the [[kitchen]])
*[[Shit|I was born to love you]] (Reenactment of [[Woll Smoth|Hitch]] in the 15th century. [[Romance|Romantic]] and still making more sense than [[Star Trek|Star Trek: Enterprise]])
*[[Old|Rock this Town]] (A [[Nerd|mathematician who knows magic]] and a hot chick battle evil cosplayers from [[Disney|Alice in Wonderland]])
*[[Old|Highway Star]] (A dog tries to run away from his [[Shota|Shota master]] but he's [[doing it wrong]] due to not being an [[Cat|intelligent mastermind]].)
*[[Homosexual|Y.M.C.A]] (Nobody remembers what the plot was about because they never played it again due to [[homosexual|obvious reasons]])
*[[Old|September]]
*[[White|Canned Heat]] (A fat [[Wapanese|ninja]] is stealing something. Yeah.)
*[[Shit|Material Girl]] ([[Paris Hilton]] and [[Shit nobody cares about|some other chick]] are being [[raped]] by [[furry|animals]])
*[[Shit|La La]] ([[You|You're]] not caring the plot anyway due to the other [[masturbation|rhythm-based game]])
*[[Homosexual|You're the Inspiration]] (A [[homosexual|picture]] falls out of a book and daddy throws a cake at that [[bitch]] because she [[Fail|couldn't get the rhythm right]])
*[[Old|Let's Dance]] (We learn: [[LOL WUT|Dig under Mount Rushmore to find Atlantis]]!)
*[[Shit|The Anthem]] (black person playing baseball)
*[[Shit|Without A Fight]] ([[Shoop da whoop|OMG HUGE LAZORZ WTF]])
*[[Homosexual|Believe]]
*[[Homosexual|A.B.C.]] ([[bitch|Mom]] leaves her only son alone with her [[lolcats|cat]] which she rewards with a fish because her child [[Death|nearly died]])
*[[Shit|Survivor]] ([[You]]'ll never [[over 9000|unlock]] this anyway)

Many [[Wapanese]] [[fanboys]] argue that Ouendan has a superior soundtrack, but this is only because [[anime]] soundtracks induce [[Masturbation|instant orgasms]] within their [[shit]]-soaked brains, and because they can't understand the http://www.angelfire.com/anime6/fma0/OP1.html" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">awful lyrics.

Jumping Jack Flash

[[At least 100
[[At least 100
hours into JJF]]

tao7bqOxe0M

[[Some argue]] that Elite Beat Agents does have a decent song. However, this is only because they were force-fed the song [[at least 100]] times.
It is a [[fact|proven fact]] that you'll get insane once you've completed this song in Hard Rock mode. But don't worry, [[You]] will never accomplish that because [[Nerd|you're]] fapping to the Divas [[Speed|hot dancemoves]] anyway.

Redeeming Features

*Cap White
*HEEEAAALLPPP
*Sorry, pool's CLOSED
*Elite Beat Divas

Gallery




[Gallery content]

Endings

The only true fucking difference between each game are the songs. Technically each game ends with [[Convention|all the people gathering together in one city]], doing a [[Gangbang|hueg mating/dacing ritual]] to some [[What is Love?|shitty ass song]] while shouting and [[Old_meme|firin' their lazar]], which ends up solving the problem and somehow further delays [[Large Hadron Collider|humanity's inevitable destruction]]. [[Habeeb it]].

=== Simplified Version of each Ending ===

==== Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan! ====
Weeaboos across the Middle East get together for the sake of humanity, dance until they charge their lazar, then fire a fucking energy beam/ SHOOP DA WHOOP at an asteroid... For great justice.

==== Elite Beat Agents ====
Amerikanz get together for the sake of humanity, dance until they charge their lazar, then fire THREE SHOOP DA WHOOPS which combine into A HUEG ONE and anally rapes a black nigra geometry shape... For great justice. You'll also get another endless credit scene with our most beloved song [[Dragonforce|Jumpin Jack Flash]].

==== Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan! 2 ====
Even moar weaboos and Japanese people join together from all over the world charge up energy, INCLUDING THE WORLD ITSELF, and BAAAAWWS THE SUN, CAUSING IT TO BURN ONCE AGAIN, freeing hyoomanity another fucking time from getting ass raped by an ice age... For great justice. No lie.

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