Steam

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|+ style="text-align:center; font-size:larger; color:black;" | Steam
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|Developer(s)
| style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left;" | [[Valve|Valve Corporation]]
|- style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left; background-color:#ffffff;"
|Initial release
| style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left;" | September 12, 2003
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|Available in
| style="vertical-align: top; text-align: left;" | [[All Your Base Are Belong To Us|25 languages]]
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|Website
| style="vertical-align: middle; text-align: left; background-color:#ffffff;" | http://store.steampowered.com/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">store.steampowered.com
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http://store.steampowered.com/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Steam is a digital dictatorship, commonly known as an online distribution platform, used to allow people to rent video games, related media and even non-gaming software. It is developed by [[Valve]], a company that was founded by two former [[Microsoft]] employees, and this amazingly didn't raise any red flags.

Development

Initially, the software was developed because Valve wanted a better way to update their mods, as they had done with [[Counter-Strike]]. As development continued, Valve realized its platform could be used to constrain and control its community. This also opened the door for opportunities such as enforced product marketing and forcing unwanted downloads onto users' machines. Valve worked tirelessly before the initial release to promote its [[Shit Nobody Cares About|gibberish]] to other companies, hoping that some would be stupid enough to promote their dictatorship. Valve had little success, but development continued anyways. During this time, the release date was always uncertain, and working titles included "Socialism v2" and "Money Extraction Tool."

Rise of the dictatorship

To advertise their newly developed monstrosity, Valve partnered with companies such as [[Gamespy]]. PopCap Games, a video game developer and publisher, was lured to the platform by Valve, a company that established itself by creating ripoffs of old 2D arcade games. In a stroke of luck for Valve, the gimmick worked, and thousands of shortsighted individuals were attracted to the digital dictatorship. Much like the iPhone, developers in turn followed, hoping to make a fortune. Steam is now the deciding factor in which indie games will become winners or losers.

Steam is a Rental Store Pretending to Sell Games

According to the terms of service, all media purchased on Steam remains the property of Steam. Steam only grants buyers "usage rights", which means that they can use, watch, or otherwise interact with what they paid for, but they can never actually own it. People are paying money for what is essentially a rental game that Steam can revoke access to at any time for any reason.

Players are now also forced to install Steam if they wish to play certain games. Steam requires an internet connection, even if a game itself has no online options. Even games that do not require Steam to be installed can call back to Steam's servers when booted up. Many games will not play correctly if they are playable at all if you are not online. This is meant to encourage you to get on the internet so Steam can check in with your computer.

Steam has been known to delete games from people's libraries for random reasons ranging from "https://www.steamgifts.com/discussion/m9tiO/game-removed-from-steam-library-permanently" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">you traded for that game, so it's stolen" to "http://www.forbes.com/sites/erikkain/2013/12/30/steam-removes-game-order-of-war-challenge-from-user-libraries/#" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">we decided to stop carrying that game." or even "https://support.steampowered.com/kb_article.php?ref=8449-RVDM-7057" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">we forgot you bought this game." Steam can also delete media from your hard drive without your permission thanks to the mountains of [[DRM]] that come with their downloads. They also http://news.softpedia.com/news/Valve-Should-Quit-Silently-Removing-Games-from-People-s-Steam-Libraries-468523.shtml" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">don't have to tell you your game is gone and usually won't. In short, Steam has complete control of everything you thought you bought from them. Period.

If Valve were to ever close its doors or suffer from an irreparably permanent accident, over 7 million users would become hysterical and rage because their precious games would no longer be downloadable or playable.

Customer support

Steam is well known for its specials and discounts, giving everyone the opportunity to waste money on games they'll play a couple of times, mostly for treasure hunting achievements.

Also, being true to capitalism, Valve doesn't [[fraud|factor currency fluctuations into the price of games]], meaning they cost the same in euros or dollars.

What gamers get in return for their investment is the worst [[India|customer support]] in gaming history, there has never been a toll-free number to call; everyone must use email.

After an email is sent, depending on the alignment of the planets and stars, customer support will respond... [[Never|eventually]].

Market and achievements

Let us explain how the Steam Market works.

* There are retards. They buy pixels with their own money.

* There are non-retards. They sell pixels they get for free and thus save money on video games.

* There are financial geniuses. They created a system where non-retards sell pixels to retards, and take a share from each sale.

If you are too lazy to earn the shitty achievements, then you can use this tool.

http://gib.me/sam/" class="text-indigo-600 dark:text-indigo-400 hover:underline" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer">Steam Achievement Manager Gets you VAC banned now. Recommended that you not use this. [[Do it faggot]].

Steam hates Europe and Australia

Because nobody cares about anything but the USA, Steam has decided to make Europeans and Abos pay more for the shitty games, so they can help fund the USA before its bankruptcy. The clever way they came up with this is by proposing that one USD is equal to one Euro. And for Abos, they just charge double.

Forums and chats

Like any other gaming community, Steam's user base is a bunch of [[13 year old boys|sophomoric and uncultivated morons]] from around the world, whose only real comfort in life is landing that [[headshot|perfect headshot]] and using [[leet|hacks]] while trading sparkly multicolored pixelated hats and accessories.

Steam's [[fuck buddy|friends]] and [[Pedophiles|chats]] features can generate massive amounts of lulz when used correctly, much like is possible with [[Cleverbot]].

If you can do it right the first time then you can upload the images and, as a b-b-bonus, you will make the children rage.

[[No|Is there a downside]]?

Greenlight

Have a good idea for game? Well then Steam Greenlight isn't for you. Steam Greenlight is a place where indie developers can release a game in early access (read unplayable) mode, and where big companies can get people to vouch for their games, so they don't have to take any chances.

Games that were greenlit

Here is why Greenlight is a complete and utter failure:
*[[Depression Quest]] - Not even a game
*[[Five Nights at Freddy's]]
*[[Gender Bender DNA Twister Extreme]] - DeviantArt the game
*Air Control - Doesn't work
*[[Cuphead]]
*[[Revolution 60]]

Hatred removed from Greenlight

Despite being actually approved by a majority, Steam still saw fit to remove a game from Greenlight, because it contained violent graphic pixels. In a rare moment of lucidty, [[Gaben]] himself restored it.

Steam Cloud

Valve developers had no idea of what to do next. One of them suddenly awoke in the brainstorming room and threw the idea of making something so Steam victims could bring their fucks everywhere with them. They call it Steam Cloud and you can upload your saves and stuff. That's all. Well, you may also leave your computer and go try to get a life, you [[faggot]].

September 2014 update

Curator

Have you thought about how great it would be if only gaming was a bit more [[GamerGate|corrupt]]? Thankfully Valve has the solution for you in the form of curator. YouTube personalities and alike can now and will be paid to promote games on front page. Expect to see [[TotalBiscuit]] and his list of games he was paid to like.

MP3 player

About 3 years too late, like it has always been the case with Valve, they thought about implementing a MP3-player to Steam, not knowing that nobody listens to MP3 anymore, or are smart enough to use an external player, that can be configured with the keyboard anyway.

Steam Memes

Some generic chats you'll see riddled across the Steam network.

*Rippy my Dippy
*GABE NEWELL CANT COUNT TO THREE!!1!
*To stop a Gaben
*Every time you make fun of Gaben's weight, Half-Life 3 is delayed another (x amount of time)
*MICSPAM!!!!!!
*Based God fucked my bitch
*Worth the weight

Interview with All Your History

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Quotes

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